Mapche

my sweet girl. We took naps together. You were there when I got home, and I thought that no one would notice if I disappeared. You depended on me, and made me feel special with that little nub of a tail. You could tear through mulitple rolls of toilet paper in mere minutes. Creek times were the best, with your ears flappin in the wind with the top pff the Jeep. When it was so quiet, there was someone other than myself that was living and breathing. You could be such a pain in my ass, but you could always make me smile. Our last day was spent herding calves, chasing frogs in the pond, and you stealing milk out of the bucket for the new baby calves. No more laying on the porch while I pick guitar, and drink ice tea. You energy was the best thing about you, so excited all the time. I'm so thankful for the last few hours that I got to hold you in my lap, and talk to you, and kiss you good night. I'll miss my puppy dog very much.

First of all I hate my sister. She gave me an awful cold that comes with a wicked sore throat!!!! Grrrr!!!!

Anyways, I was reading my comments this morning and as always T-bone struck me with the epiphany stick with the following...

Life can get in the way of living our ultimate passions, so what I've had to do is realize that I'm not defined by my workday existance. I work to support my family. But I live to love my family, friends, God, have fun, make a small difference, etc. That way I have a ton of passion left over for those important people and things.

What a wonderful way to look at things. Definitly a great perspective that I need to give considerable thought to. Thanks T.

So my girl is in Yankee Land. It's ok, I love her anyway. :D Actually, I'm wishing like hell I was there too. I'm really glad you've got some time to think Julia, some time to figure out what you want, and how to get it. I think that's the part I wish I had. Just time, just to put it all on hold, tell everyone to wait a minute while I think. I wish I could help you Julia, offer you some wise words that will put it all inperspective, something that will make you think, or open some window in your mind, but alas, I haven't the right things to says. My faith is in the fact that I know you well, adn your ability to look at what goes on around you, and make the best decisions for it. Find what makes you happy, baby girl, as that's my ultimate hope for you.

my happy thought for today....a small reminder that it's not getting to one place, but enjoying the whole trip!!

A Prologue, so you know where I'm coming from....

I basically ran away from home. To home... I haven't been happy in my last three jobs. I feel like I'm going nowhere. When my work makes me miserable, I bring it home and make everyone else miserable. I feel like I can't actually think at home because there is always laundry to be done, dishes to wash, husbands to make happy. So, since I quit my job and I was already getting depressed looking for another one to be stuck in I decided it was time to get away. I've come home looking for answers, maybe even finding the right questions. The posts you will see in the next week or so from me will be letters I've written. Sometimes to myself, sometimes to my husband, sometimes to Chesa. I won't post their replies because hubby doesn't know about this site and I wouldn't want to violate him like that....

Letter one, day one.

Dear Hubby,

I drove a little bit this morning. I think I will go buy a camera
tomorrow. I feel like
I need to remember this trip for some reason. Maybe so that if I ever
lose my way again,
I will be able to retrace the journey of the answers more easily.
>
> I went and saw the last house we lived in together. I saw a willow
tree
and watched the
long branches sway in the breeze. I drove by the house that I grew up
in
and saw some of
the old routes we used to take daily. It suprised me to see how they
had
changed. Its so
strange coming home and not seeing it exactly as how we left it. I
thought for a moment
that I wanted to see that everyday and then I thought about how I would
miss what I now
consider home. Maybe now I will be forever torn between the two
places.
Its funny, when
I lived in Chicago, I could think of nothing but Milwaukee, and when I
moved back to
Milwaukee how much cooler Chicago looked. I don't think moving or
location is the answer.
Its more of searching for a contendeness inside instead of scenery. I
think I will
always consider this home, just like you will always consider M***
home
no matter where
we live. I just wish I could visit here more often.
>
> I spent some time with my favorite nephew this morning. He is 9 now,
and I wonder where
the time has gone almost as much as a parent. It was nice to be so
blatantly missed.
Maybe that is part of the reason I miss this so much, the attention and
spoiling I get
when I do come back. We talked about his favorite color and saw his
new
bike and his
trophies from snowmobile racing and tae kwon do. I got to see him
skateboard and the new
exciting stickers he has. Its funny, my Mom said today that when ever
she
has a bad day
she just goes and spends some time with her Grandchildren and they
never
fail to cheer her
up. Maybe that is what its all about. A child's laughter.
>
> I went over to my sister's house today. She showed me the
plans/paint
samples/floor
samples and the lot for the new house. I was more than happy to look
it
all over and give
my unending opinion. I sometimes wonder, did she settle? I'm not
sure.
She did give me
some good advice after much prodding to find out why I was here. She
told
me that she
went through something similar and she finally decided to look up to
people that she
idolized and ask herself what they had that she didn't. I wonder, who
do
I look up to???
>
> I also went to the soccer mom party. Have you ever been to a
birthday
party for a three
year old?! Don't go!!!! YIKES!!!! It was frightening to say the
least.
Between the
screaming children and the comparing tile samples. And who has a
bigger
house, and who
has a better job, and who has better sex. AGH!!!! What was really fun
was going as a
'single' woman. Everyone who knows me knows I'm not single, but since
I
didn't have my
husband and child with me, I was an outsider, a threat!!! I was only
introduced to the
women, not the testosterone circle of men out in the yard comparing
penis
sizes. Since I
was the only woman that smoked I got caught in a group of men
discussing
blowjobs after
dinner on the patio and it took every ounce of restraint to NOT
say 'Excuse me, but I
wouldn't get on my knees for you either!!!' It was so the American
Dream
I wanted to
throw up, but maybe that is what its all about. Living in a house with
2.5 kids and new
carpeting.
>
> I came back to Moms and we had a discussion about Catholocism,
drunks,
Granny, Father
Hanley, and my Fathers Parents. I learned a lot of dirty family
secrets.
FUN!!!
>
> I have figured out that I do need to find someone that I look up to
(besides you) to
figure out what I'm missing. To make sure I wasn't born without
the 'happy gene'.
>
>
> Love you,

I am home.

Oh and sometime this month I am stealing MY scarf back from Chesa jumping in my car, driving 15 hours north and coming back when I'm damn well ready and you can bet your ass that there will be adventure.

I was going to post about how I wanted my life to have passion again, about how once upon a time I promised myself I would always make a living doing something I was passionate about and never sell out, but God that seems so depressing. Ok, so this has turned into a site about two different women that are both lost and confused. AHHHHH!!!! Now THAT is something I never thought possible! When did we quit just having fun? Who stole the adventure from our lives? Our husbands/boyfriends? Our bosses? Our families? We only have ourselves to blame.

So, here is to cheery... We have been trying to read funny books to find our humor again and have found some great ones. Here are a few quotes to cheer you.

"Note to self: Love means never having to say you'll swallow."

"#13. My favorite form of multitasking is______?
a. faking an orgasm while masturbating
b. having an orgasm while shopping online.
c. faking not having an orgasm in spinning class"

"Note to self: Stop making the same old stupid mistakes and start making new ones."

"A woman can conquer the world if she promises enough blow jobs"

If you have not read the Bad Girl's Guide to..., you can pick them up here

Some quotes are also taken from the Great Sweet Potato Queens who are my idols. Found here

So, please look forward to more tales of adventure and less tales of confused, pathetic, boring Julia. I refuse to be boring.

ya know...the good stuff

I have found a deadly combination in my life. Never, never listen to the sounds of Pat Green, and read "The Bad Girl's Guide to Getting What You Want, by Cameron Tuttle, at least not without some serious repercussions. Cameron Tuttle is so damn funny, you've got to get all her books. The Bad Girl's Guide to.....whichever one it is, you'll laugh. So it's getting what you want today, at least that's the one I'm reading now. Oh, and the liberating powers of Pat Green. Here's an insert from a DJ in Dallas on Texas Music:

Just like everything else in Texas, we are mighty proud of it. The attitude that goes along with this, from what I've seen, is "Here I am, Here's my songs. Whatcha think?" If it catches an ear maybe it goes a little further. If not, that's fine they're satisfied coming back to Texas where the people do appreciate the music and they are already making a decent living in the dives and honkytonks.

hell yes, my fellow radio man. Thanks for showing the love of the underdog.

So take the sounds of Pat Green, then throw in the theme of the book "Get anything and everything...with style" How can you not be inspired to clean out the drawers of shit in your life? The chapter I'm on...what you want, what you really want....mmmm, so guess what ensuing? yes lists

Things I don't want:
1. to wake up tomorrow and see that I've wasted time on the wrong things
2. to feed jokes to my partner because if I say them, I might offend, I am the girl after all (GAG)
3. to get up at 2:15 to go to work anymore
4. to see my partner shamelessly try to cheer me up, cause he knows something is wrong.
5. to do charity work because I think it'll make my job better.
6. to worry about how my choices concerning work will piss off everyone I work with
7. to get my pay check, and be depressed
8. to settle
9. to miss good times, like road trippin' and porch pickin'
10.to be boring


And the things that I do want
1. to watch the sunrise in fuzzy slippers and a house robe with my cowboy man
2. to have good sex, and grow lots of flowers
3. to know that I'm doing the right thing
4. to read more
5. to wave at folks I know in town.
6. to be a celebrity to only a few, not lots and lots of people
7. to feed chickens in my rain boots and overalls (I just think I'd look GREAT in that getup)
8. to be able to tell Julia just how thankful I am for her
9. to get along with my mother ( I know, it's farfetched )
10. to love my life

things that you want...and really want. not 2.5 kids, a big house, a snazzy car, stock options, and a Prozac free 100% positive attitude. things like wind in your hair, a job that you feel good about. ya know..the good stuff

It's just cool enough today to sport a seasonal staple, the ever beloved scarf. True, the scarf belongs to julia, but it looks good on me, and I get lots of compliments. Works for me!! A cup of coffee, the cool air, and it's going to be a good day.
Things are looking up for the girls of the ROAD. Julia doesn't work with me anymore, and while I miss her being only a few feet away for a smoke, or for lunch, I am thrilled that she doesn't have to deal with crap, or be away from home as much. Fayetteville is a nice town, I like it. There's a good energy to it, lots to do, and being a college town, good scenery (wink). But all those things together can never compete with home. No, there's not a starbucks, or and Old navy right down the road. You can't go dancing at all hours of the night, or see big concerts in little towns. Oh, it seems really simple and stupid to most folks. I've been moving once a year for the last few years, working radio, living the life, advancing markets....yada yada...but when I was driving this past weekend, and for the first time in years, someone reconized me, and waved, I nearly teared up. Oh sure, people know my voice, and the minute I start talking somewhere, people say, " oh hey, I know you..." So, kudos to Julia, for finding out what was most important to her, and for not missing out on that. For me, I'm still working on that one. The most important things, the things that I don't want to miss...it's all going on in my head, and some days, it's driving me crazy. Ill figure it all out, and in the mean time, try not to miss all the other good things around me, like the changing of seasons, which really is a good thing...it reminds me that no matter what's going on in my head, life doesn't stop, it just keeps rolling.
Oh, and I hate to be that girl...but I can't wait till the new season of Joe Millionaire starts. I didn't even watch last season, but hell, with a texas Cowboy....I have a new date on Monday nights

Hanging in the Balance

I suppose I haven’t posted much lately, because nothing really fun has happened! There have been a few exciting moments, but no GREAT times, no bloggable, braggable times. Things just keep rolling along, a few bumps here and there. I’ve been trying to gather my thoughts and trying to figure out what to do with my life. I’m planning a trip this month to see my family and begging Chesa to go with me. I want to go up to my families cabin in the middle of nowhere and watch the first snowflake hit the lake. I want to sit in peace and quiet and write in a silly journal and go and have a drink with the locals in one of the greatest shitty bars in the world with the bestest food. I want to road trip with my best friend and just not have any worries for a whole freakin week. I haven’t had an entire week of vacation since I got married FIVE years ago!!! That is INSANE!!!
One notable thing that has happened is my Grandfather died. Please don’t start sending me sympathy cards; I don’t think I have seen him for a good five years or more. He was never a big part of my life. He and my Grandmother (who I barely remember, she died when I was very small) had 17 children, 15 who are still living so you can imagine the number of grandchildren. On my Moms side of the family I never really had a Grandfather either, my Granny got divorced before it was socially acceptable and remarried many years later, around the time that I was born. He died when I was about ten years old and I don’t for the life of me ever remember him uttering a word to me. I remember him snoring in the recliner while a game was on.
The most recent ‘fun’ time I’ve had lately was yesterday for a few hours. I got to go see Chesa’s Grandparents, whom I adore! GrandDad will talk your ear off, and I enjoy in immensely. Our topics of conversation yesterday included; teenage sex, Psalm 23, a wacky, off the wall wedding, true love, quality people and guns. It’s always such a mix. He is one of those rare people that you can sit and debate with and know that you are both actually trying to understand the other persons stance instead of just thinking of your next defensive statement. One thing he did say to me yesterday has stuck in my head and T-bone reiterated it this morning. ‘Love is a many splendor thing’, I know, I know a very over used quote/cliché, but as with most it has such a true meaning when you don’t just let it pass over your shoulder. It made me know that the decisions I’ve made about how to change my life, no matter how frightening, are the right ones. I don’t know why change scares me so much sometimes, even when I’m the one doing the changing and know it needs done. It still gives me butterflies in my stomach and my head feel like it’s going to swim away. Love is a many splendor thing, I forget that most days. I’ve been with the love of my life for almost seven years and I knew he was it within the first few weeks of knowing him. Thinking back on it now, I think I knew it before then, but couldn’t admit it for sometime. I really don’t know what I would have done without my husbands support for the past years. Isn’t it funny how we know things in our hearts, but we have to take time to let our heads catch on and act upon it?
Well, here is to making the best of this last week at my job and new beginnings and finding what is right and making yourself happy and most of all living life with the least amount of regrets possible.

I suppose there's a bull shit factor to everything we do. Take your weekends for example. It's like riding on a roller coaster. Oh sure, it's pretty exciting to be on the uphill climb, where you can slow down, maybe catch your breath, make sure your clothes are still on, but it's a bitter sweet joy, as you know the next willd, crazy ride is just ahead. That's a bull shit factor. Take pay day as another example. It's great to get paid, but I always wish it were more. Bull shit factor #2. Now I'm not bitching, I'm just making an observation.
You know, Julia said that she misses the person that I am, and that it hurts her to read what I have to say. I didn't really think that what I said was all that depressing. I was being optimistic, giving both good and bad, even when I'm feeling down. It does have a lot to do with my job. It can take alot of you, make you feel worthless, and leave you with little sleep. BUT I LOVE IT.

bull shit factor #3

But, I guess that's the balance that we strive dor...the key, is not letting the balance get UNbalanced. I'm a fucking genius, I know. I'm not unhappy, I'm just learning how to balance. I know I may seem like a goddess, but even goddesses have to stop and look around once in a while. :)

Happy Friday!!!!

Dear Chesa,

I miss you. I miss you laughing, I miss the person I know you are. When you post things like below I want to come and kidnap you and make it all go away. I know that you have to work this out in your head and come to your own conclusions but seeing you in that last post kills everyone that truly LOVES you. That includes, me, hubby, Grandad & Mamaw, Aunt A & Uncle W. and of course Mr. Cowboy. We all want to help you, but we don't know how. I keep seeing you do things that will usually make you happy and giddy and they aren't working - aka, changing hair color, changing of seasons, make up, and holidays. If I was a Dr. I would be prescribing you some Zoloft right now. You cannot live like this! Somedays I think you know that you want to throw in the towel, but you fight it. In fact, I think you are doing that everyday now. I've seen you be happy on three hours of sleep. Now, you can wake up after nine hours and still be a grump. I know you feel tied down by obligation, but if you are in the wrong place, the people that you leave behind will find a way to make it work without you. If they love you and care about you, they will understand. How much longer can you live like this??? You don't hate the holidays, you never have. Even last year when you were living in hell that was something you looked forward to. The person I saw in the post below is not you. Please, do what is right for you. If that means staying where you are, fine. If it means turning your life upside down, fine. Whatever you do, you have our support in any way that we can give it. We miss you Chesa, please come back.

Wednesday morning, and I'm forcing myself to be cheery. Not that I'm not naturally cheery, it just seems like there's so many avenues going in my life. Only trouble is, I'm fucking bored with all of them. That's a tough place for me. I hate to be bored, especially with myself. My solution? a pro and con list...kinda like a "top 5 of all time" from High Fidelity

CONS why I feel boring
1. Fall seems boring to me. It's the time when you put away the flip flops and tanning lotions, when cold toes become a constant companion, and the lush green of summer is flagged with colors that tell that winter will be here in no time.
2. I haven't much a life these days. I stay busy with work, and when I'm not working, I just want to sleep, to recover from the damn 3:00am wakings; to read, to sleep, that's about all I'm motivated to do...again, damn the weather.
3. I feel the dread of the holiday coming on. I get it from my mother. She hates the holidays, and she's wearing off on me today.
4. I haven't volunteered in weeks
5. AND THE KICKER.....my job is not a happy place right now. There's bad morale in our building, and while it's been that way for a while, I'm beginning to sound like the very poison that I hate around here. My partner and I are so beat down from working in a place where we know things are wrong, but we drive ourselves crazy trying to fix them. So instead, we put on our happy faces, and try to be team motivators, which wears us out as well. Our question now is whether or not to just stick it out, turn our heads and only deal with what we can control, or will we regret that? I've been arguing with myself for weeks.


ok, now PRO list.....why I'm not boring

1. Because I do argue with myself, and constantly examine my life to determine whether or not I'm in the right place. I think the courage to change it, or fix it is something good.
2. I have wonderful friends, an adorable niece, a Cowboy man that I'm in love with, a Jeep that I adore (I know I'm shallow) and upcoming chances to sing, make good music.
3. My job is not everything to me, it's just one part of my whole life.
4. MY partner is drugged up on Allergy medicine, and he's easy to mess with today
5. I'm not boring, I'm scheduled....ooo I hate that