A Prologue, so you know where I'm coming from....

I basically ran away from home. To home... I haven't been happy in my last three jobs. I feel like I'm going nowhere. When my work makes me miserable, I bring it home and make everyone else miserable. I feel like I can't actually think at home because there is always laundry to be done, dishes to wash, husbands to make happy. So, since I quit my job and I was already getting depressed looking for another one to be stuck in I decided it was time to get away. I've come home looking for answers, maybe even finding the right questions. The posts you will see in the next week or so from me will be letters I've written. Sometimes to myself, sometimes to my husband, sometimes to Chesa. I won't post their replies because hubby doesn't know about this site and I wouldn't want to violate him like that....

Letter one, day one.

Dear Hubby,

I drove a little bit this morning. I think I will go buy a camera
tomorrow. I feel like
I need to remember this trip for some reason. Maybe so that if I ever
lose my way again,
I will be able to retrace the journey of the answers more easily.
>
> I went and saw the last house we lived in together. I saw a willow
tree
and watched the
long branches sway in the breeze. I drove by the house that I grew up
in
and saw some of
the old routes we used to take daily. It suprised me to see how they
had
changed. Its so
strange coming home and not seeing it exactly as how we left it. I
thought for a moment
that I wanted to see that everyday and then I thought about how I would
miss what I now
consider home. Maybe now I will be forever torn between the two
places.
Its funny, when
I lived in Chicago, I could think of nothing but Milwaukee, and when I
moved back to
Milwaukee how much cooler Chicago looked. I don't think moving or
location is the answer.
Its more of searching for a contendeness inside instead of scenery. I
think I will
always consider this home, just like you will always consider M***
home
no matter where
we live. I just wish I could visit here more often.
>
> I spent some time with my favorite nephew this morning. He is 9 now,
and I wonder where
the time has gone almost as much as a parent. It was nice to be so
blatantly missed.
Maybe that is part of the reason I miss this so much, the attention and
spoiling I get
when I do come back. We talked about his favorite color and saw his
new
bike and his
trophies from snowmobile racing and tae kwon do. I got to see him
skateboard and the new
exciting stickers he has. Its funny, my Mom said today that when ever
she
has a bad day
she just goes and spends some time with her Grandchildren and they
never
fail to cheer her
up. Maybe that is what its all about. A child's laughter.
>
> I went over to my sister's house today. She showed me the
plans/paint
samples/floor
samples and the lot for the new house. I was more than happy to look
it
all over and give
my unending opinion. I sometimes wonder, did she settle? I'm not
sure.
She did give me
some good advice after much prodding to find out why I was here. She
told
me that she
went through something similar and she finally decided to look up to
people that she
idolized and ask herself what they had that she didn't. I wonder, who
do
I look up to???
>
> I also went to the soccer mom party. Have you ever been to a
birthday
party for a three
year old?! Don't go!!!! YIKES!!!! It was frightening to say the
least.
Between the
screaming children and the comparing tile samples. And who has a
bigger
house, and who
has a better job, and who has better sex. AGH!!!! What was really fun
was going as a
'single' woman. Everyone who knows me knows I'm not single, but since
I
didn't have my
husband and child with me, I was an outsider, a threat!!! I was only
introduced to the
women, not the testosterone circle of men out in the yard comparing
penis
sizes. Since I
was the only woman that smoked I got caught in a group of men
discussing
blowjobs after
dinner on the patio and it took every ounce of restraint to NOT
say 'Excuse me, but I
wouldn't get on my knees for you either!!!' It was so the American
Dream
I wanted to
throw up, but maybe that is what its all about. Living in a house with
2.5 kids and new
carpeting.
>
> I came back to Moms and we had a discussion about Catholocism,
drunks,
Granny, Father
Hanley, and my Fathers Parents. I learned a lot of dirty family
secrets.
FUN!!!
>
> I have figured out that I do need to find someone that I look up to
(besides you) to
figure out what I'm missing. To make sure I wasn't born without
the 'happy gene'.
>
>
> Love you,