It was very emotional last night...and if you love Sex and the City like we do, then you would understand. It's so easy to associate with at least one of the girls, Sam, Charlotte, Miranda, or Carrie...there's something in each character that exists in me, and my girlfriends. Maybe that's why so many women watch it. It's suddenly ok to be single, and to not apologetic about it. IT'S ABOUT TIME!!!! Carrie has showed us that taking a chance, and even failing is ok. That not settling is the norm. Thus the fight with my cowboy man last night, post tears, and cosmos with the girls. He watched the final espisode with us, as is a practice. It's the arrangement that he watches that, and I watch Nascar...so you know what that means?!?!? No more Sex and the City.......no more Nascar!!! OH back to drama. Cowboy man says that I'm a range of emotions........yeah and? Cowboy man says that I am layered, and complicated sometimes.........yeah and? For the first time in any relationship, I wasn't apologizing for that. It's hard for you to keep up with me? Try harder, I'm worth it. You can't understand all the things going on in my head? Keep trying. I love my Cowboy man, there's no question. He loves me, again, not a question. But I know, not only because I've seen beautiful women be strong and smart, but because we watch Sex and the City as well. The women in my life are complicated, and have quirky habits, and struggles, and dreams, and most of all, the drive to be better, be stronger, and love as much as in their capability. That's the example, and the strength that I draw from when I think that things aren't like I dreamed they would be, or when reality is too harsh. That's what my good friends add to my life.
I love them.

Posted by Julia, edited by Chesa

Friday night was rough patch in the road for the sexxybiches, and I've never been prouder to be a part of them. Without getting into details, it was a test of trials and tribulations for a group that has seen a lot of heartache. We clung together and bonded on an even deeper level, than I didn't think was possible. I love two women, with my heart, soul, and whatever is left from there. It was proven and it was held.
Maybe that is why the farewell to Sex and the City hit me to the heart. Maybe it was because in that tough time on Friday night, I couldn't cry, no matter how hard I tried. Maybe it was because it made me face how much my 'friends' meant to me. I have never had friends like this. From Carrie's not settling to Samantha finally finding love, it all hit close to my heart. I could parallel all of the story line to one of my friends, or myself. It bothered my that I couldn't cry on Friday, but it mearly took the cheesiest story line tonight to make my bawl. Maybe I'm used to the violence, maybe I AM the strong one, maybe I am worth being intimidated by. And maybe thats not so bad. Maybe I am the Charlotte that is classy and prissy on the outside, but like steal inside, and is that so bad? I don't think so.
I have found my family in my friends, and I have never felt a bond so strond, or a love so great. Thank you for loving me like no one else has and for teaching me what real love is. I can't tell you how much that means to me. Please know that no matter what, I will be there for you like I know you would be there for me. I love you both and you COULD NEVER be a burden.

Kiss - #3


PS - You mean the WORLD to ME!!!!!!

Happy Valentines Day. I hope you're doing someting fantastic, whether that includes flowers, or margaritas, or hell, a good movie at home with only yourself for company. Personally, I'm sitting here on the evening of the Love Holiday, waiting for my man to come pick me up, and we're going to grab a couple of burgers, drive around in the country, and listen to the radio. It's not the teddybears, and candy kinda celebration, but it's just what I would like this year. Someday I'll make him take me somewhere nice, when we're not both broke, and buy me flowers, take me to dinner, then make love to me for an obscene amount o time. For now though, something low key sounds great. I'm meeting up with Julia and her hubby later, we're going to pick and sing at some hole-in-the-wall bar not far from here. Then perhaps the obscene amount of lovemaking!!!

I hear the music again
it has no doubt been a dreary winter. The coldest winter I can remember anyway. Snow and ice, and gray skies. This seems to be the constant, but also the reminder of why I love Spring and Summer. Just when I think that the clouds will never leave, that there isn't really any sky left behind that mess, I am corrected. On my drive home from work, which is about an hour, I watch one of the most incredible sunsets I have seen in a while. I was longing to capture the colors on film, to add to my collection of photos, but felt like I would have been intruding on how very special it was. Orange, blended to magnificent pinks, then to purples, and finally to the blue that comes from the night creeping in. I remember a girl I went to college with. I went to a Christian college, bear that in mind. Christian Colleges have a real problem with spoon feeding the truth to open minds, young minds that are seeking the answers in life. Don't send hate mail if you went to a Christian college. This is my blog, my experiences. I don't get all preachy, that's for damn sure. I was a homeschool kid till I went to high school because of my pastor parents, and my grandparents are pastors, and I've had more than a few sermons to choke on over the years. Back to my story. New minds embrace new ideas like sponges, and I found myself in college surrounded by people who couldn't even wash the dishes without Jesus's help. "That dish water is like Jesus washing away our sins." Baby Christians as they are called in some churches. I was in the company of one of these Baby Christians who just wanted to thank god for the great sunset one evening. Now to the girl. She was red headed and sassy, usually the type I like to hang out with, but I remember something that she said. It was "Jesus doesn't care about the sunsets, or the flowers, those things just happen. Besides, he's got better things to do." I'm sure at the time I rolled my eyes at the conversation, as I do now. I was probably thinking " and I've got better things to do" cause I'm that way. But as I was driving home tonight, I thought of that red head's statement. Could something that wonderful just happen? I don't wear my God on my sleeve, or in scripture on my desk, or my wearing a cross around my neck. Again, nothing wrong with those, I just don't. But when I considered whether or not the sunset just happened, I had to look inside, where I keep my faith. It's WAYYYYYYdown in there, underneath all the armor that I have. Maybe that's why I am talking about it now. Blogging strips away all the pretentious veneers we have. When I have a conversation on here, you're not looking to see how well my clothes are made to determine my social status. You don't see how I carry myself, or the intensity that I shake your hand with. That stuff is all gone, and so we are more exposed, I guess. My faith lives deep inside, my faith that someday, things will be ok. That doing the right thing is still the right thing, even when you get screwed....Continually. The place that acts as a greenhouse for my creativity and dreams. The place that I carry my little brother that was murdered almost 2 years ago. I look there, and I realize that wonderful things don't just happen. They really are important enough to stop and notice.
I entitled this "I hear the music again", because when I looked inside myself, for the good things that I must keep alive, the song writing has begun again. After a year of being gone, the music is back, I can hear it, and it begs to be let out. And I don't think that just happens.

Storybook Romance

I was reading an article about relationships and what couples say about how they met or ended up together and then they also revealed the truth. When people ask me how I ended up with my husband (which happens ALOT when there is a very obvious age difference) I always say I met him through my sister. Which is sort of true.

My sister did work for him. The first time I talked to him I was in college. It was one of those Saturday mornings where you woke up with a headache because of the events on Friday night. Anyways I had this horrific dream that my sister was in a snowmobile accident and as soon as I woke up I just HAD to make sure that she was ok. So, I picked up the phone, my voice still groggy when I dialed her at work. My future husband answered and replied that he was not a slave driver and didn't make his secretary work on Saturdays and then proceeded to make fun of me as I tried to explain that I forgot it was 8am on a Saturday and made myself sound even more like a flighty dumbass. Keep in mind of my thoughts on this man. Self made, successful, sister said he was very attractive and going through horrible divorce with wretched wife. When my sister says someone 'attractive' that didn't exactly have me jumping over the moon. She also referred to him as somewhat of a cowboy. So, in my mind I was thinking - 5'9" in cowboy boots (my sis is attracted to small people) with a tacky hat (bald underneath no doubt), scrawny, with a HUGE rhinestone belt buckle. Not an impressive image. It didn't help that he wanted to make fun of me while I was still too sleepy to defend myself and feeling very vulnerable (ok, lots of self pity over roaming boyfriend). Anyways whenever I would call my sisters work and he would answer he would make polite conversation. And he never let me forget about that first mistake. Eventually we found each other on line once or twice and would have a short little chat. I was bored and there he would be. Our conversations became lengthier... My sister had described me to him (as I later found out) without ever showing him a picture (which she had, bitch) and his mental image of me was no better. She described me as the following - bitch (my sister is very passive whereas I am the first to speak out for what I believe - she sees that as bitch) pretty in an unconventional way (I do have loads of curly hair that she sees as different) and too smart for her own good (because I love practical jokes and having fun and taking risks). He ended up with a picture in his head of a short, dumpy, punk chick with blue hair and green fingernails. (I'm so NOT that). So, you could say that our opinions of each other had no where to go but up. Anyways, our conversations were getting longer and more frequent. Oh, and um nobody knew about them.

One evening he mentioned that he had a meeting in the city the next morning. I mentioned that I didn't have class and he asked me out to lunch. I was pretty high on alcohol and put and said SURE! Free lunch, sounds good. Oh, and this was about the time that every other week I was engaged to someone I now refer to as fuckhead. I do remember that I was currently broken up with fuckhead and freely dating, but still believed I loved fuckhead. So, he picked me up and we were both pleasantly, I'd like to say suprised, but shocked would be a better description. I saw a man waiting for me that is 6'4", sexy salt and pepper hair, with a black armani suit, black wool overcoat and piercing blue eyes. I was wearing a khaki mini skirt, white button up shirt and hiking boots (it was quite a few years ago, yes that was in style) and a brown leather jacket. I looked good, I was modeling at the time so it wasn't like I had no idea I was good looking. We had a three hour lunch, I have no idea what we talked about, but when he started to get up when I got to asking uncomfortable questions about a mutual friend that I heard he was dating I firmly instructed him to sit back down and start with some answers if he ever expected to see me again. He sat back down.

He dropped me off back at school so I could get to class and as soon as he stopped the car I was out of it. I knew I had feelings for this man, but didn't know how involved I wanted to get. He still says to this day that I didn't wait for the car to stop, but I did!

I talked to him on-line that night and thanked him again for lunch. At the time I was pretty stressed out over exams and boyfriend troubles and he said he had a meeting the next day about 3 hours away, would I like to go with him and get out of the city? I agreed, I didn't have anything else to do. He picked me up the next day (2hours out of his way) and we talked all the way there. He went to his meeting while I did some shopping in the town where we were. On the way home we stopped for dinner and when we walked out of the restaurant he kissed me. It was good. It was very good. I was feeling stars in my head good. We got back into the car to finish the trip and as we were driving down the road he reached over, took my hand, pulled it up to his lips and lightly kissed it and told me what a fascinating person he found me to be. I was in him lap in seconds. Yes, you read that right. The rest of the two hours home we were making out like teens in the back of a movie theater. I wanted sex, and I wanted it immediatly. It had started to snow while we were at dinner and by this time it was a full blown blizzard. I kept thinking that he would just pull over and get a hotel for the night, but he just kept driving and kissing. We finally made it back to his house (he had to get home for the dog) and had sex for about 9 hours straight. It was the greatest sex I have ever had. I spent the rest of the next day in his robe, in his bed, in the hot tub. He cooked for me, he brought me coffee in bed (he still does that) and it was fantastic. He was suppose to be my rebound sex. My fling. My sew my wild oats person before I married fuckhead. Instead I married him two years later.

Need I mention its snowing outside and hubby is out of town and I'm horny as hell? I didn't think so.

I'm trying new color schemes....I need a yellow sign to post:

"Forgive our mess, we're remodeling"