There's so many great things going on in my mind today, but no way to iron them all out, and put them into some rational post for THE ROAD. So, all these thoughts will continue to bounce around in my head, drive me crazy while I try to get work done today, and we'll see how that works out.

Poor Julia had a post all typed out, then lost it. It's certainly a Monday anyway, so I feel bad for her. Myself, on the other hand, am gorging on cheesy bread sticks from Pizza Hut, so no worries here. Alot on my plate today, besides the greasy mess I'm having for lunch. I can't visit long, busy day at work as well, and hoping to get out of here soon. I feel the need to indulge also, my appetite for beer this afternoon, with Julia of course. Gluttony is my word for today, or perhaps fat ass...I'm still trying to decide.

Reason #437 I'm a bitch

I rented The Notebook and finally watched it with the hubby last night. Why do I do this?! I had already browsed the book and knew it was kind of a sad, touching story. So, why, why, why did I let my husband watch it?!?! I hate watching these kinds of movies with him, because while I may get a little misty eyed, he cries. No, not even cries, but sobs. And I'm a bitch because this does nothing but truely annoy me!!!! Here is a 6'4", 260lbs. man crying! He is suppose to be a pillar of strength! I always thought I wanted a 'sensitive man', but this is ridiculous. It took him almost an hour to shut up after the movie.
Ok, I'm pausing here because I'm not exactly sure where to take this post. I have four different options, all weighing on my mind and I'm not sure which on I want to focus on. So, instead of delving into one, I think I will briefly hit on all 4.
1. I have had my fill for awhile of depressing/touching stories. While they don't always make my cry, they do make me contemplative which comes off to everyone else as depressed. Which makes them ask me over and over, what's wrong? Which really just further annoys me. What's wrong is that I am trying to organize my thoughts in peace and quiet, which is difficult if 'what's wrong?' keeps echoing in my ears, so shut up! (not you Chesa)
2. I was getting some last night and hubby thought I said someone else's name, which I did not, by the way. The really strange thing was that I sort of had someone else lingering in the very back of my mind and even though that it was not the person's name that he thought I uttered, it was still a little bit twilight zonish. It scares me sometimes that he knows me so well, he can feel what I'm thinking. Ok, that doesn't scare me, it terrifies me because most of my thoughts I would never say out loud.
3. I have been called another woman's name, but not in bed. My hubby called me by his ex wife's name once at a dinner party we had with some other couples. It didn't make me as mad as I thought that it should have, but more insecure that I've ever been. And I've never forgotten it.
4. I realized last night a reason that I might have for moving and it isn't a good one, and I don't want to talk about it and it scares the hell out of me.
These are some of the larger thoughts rambling about in my head right now.

WARNING!!!! I'M IN A WEIRD MOOD
There's so many things I'd like to blog about, but none really that even are important enough to talk about. Things like finding this great little place this weekend that makes homemade tortillas, and what a treat that was, about how I'm looking forward to grilling on my birthday grill from Julia, how it was warm enough this weekend to roll the top off the jeep, and how disappointing it was to have to put it back on now that it's cool again. I was thinking about how my mom didn't even acknowledge my birthday, though I'm glad she didnt' ruin by calling or sending something. I think it's ironic that her husband, my step dad came to my birthday dinner without her. Way to go man! My grandparents are amazing, and threw a wonderful dinner party this weekend, to which all the people I love were at. Julia and her husband, my cowboy man, and I realized just how much I will miss my grandparents when I move from here. They are the closest thing to parents I have, and I don't take that for granted. A week ago, I got a new mattress to go into the new bed I purchased a while ago. Julia helped me get it all together, and it looks great. I suddenly don't want to get out of that bed. Luckily, my cowboy man loves the new bed as well, so it works out for me.
I smell my sonic burger and tots from my desk, and can't resist anymore!
toodles

Happy Birthday Chesa!!!!

Ghosts

I dreamed about you again last night. Its been awhile since I had and everytime I do, I know I will think about you for the rest of the day. Every now and then I will be cleaning out a drawer and come across a picture of you and be taken back in time. I'll remember all of the good times, and some of the bad. I still won't watch ER because that one character looks so much like you. Sometimes when I'm in a crowd of people I will see hair that is exactly your color and my heart will skip for a nanosecond even though I know its not you. Everyday, without fail, I check that email account that only you have access to, just in case. I sometimes wish that we didn't have that silence pact unless an emergency occurs, but I know you have called my Mom to check on me. Everytime you do, she makes sure I know in words only I would catch and understand. She never comes right out and says it.
Its been nine years since you have touched me and I still remember exactly how it felt. When I smell your cologne on someone else my heads swims just a little bit. I remember that you taught me that I needed to stop and breathe. In fact you used to force me, kicking and screaming. I remember when you threw my books, dance shoes and computer disks in the pool because I refused to take a break. You made me understand that they were only distractions, not my life. You taught me that if it doesn't love me back, its not really my life. I do that now, you know, I'm the one that insists on breaks. I remember that I wouldn't argue with you, I wouldn't fight, I let you control. You know I'm not that person anymore, I found my voice again. I fight, sometimes even dirty. I think you would have respected me more if I had done that with you. You taught me pain. I taught it right back. We made so many mistakes, we lived through so many of them. We were survivors, we still are.
I remember....
-that anytime I had a bad day your cure was pizza hut pizza, extra cheese and your chocolate malts.
-that every Sunday we would eat breakfast in bed and read the funnies together.
-that old junker car that you had that we both secretly loved because it never once broke down and we saved our money to put an awesome sound system in it. We would listen to Nina Simone or U2 as loud as we could for hours, over and over.
-those formal parties I had to go to and you always acting so perfectly. Never too loud, never too snobby, never too quiet. You never once uttered a wrong thing at a party.
-that whenever we danced you would sing in my ear, barely a whisper, even if you didn't know the words.
-exactly the way you looked in your tux.
-teaching your Mother how to cook a casserole. The only meal she ever made us was eggs and hashbrowns, but she did make that perfectly.
-that trip we planned to take.
-that trip we did take for our first anniversary and that first we did while we were there.
-jumping off that cliff while holding your hand and not being scared for even a second.
-that moment I walked in your bedroom and knowing that I just lost everything.
-graduation night when my sister took us out and got us really drunk and having sex on that pull out couch.
-the way you held me and cried when we found out. How we both knew it was our worst nightmare and greatest hope.
-how you held my hair the first time I got drunk.
-that time we slept in the back yard and told each other our greatest fears. I still remember yours.
-that I never told you my ACT score because it was higher than yours.
-when you showed up with my favorite meal, from our favorite restaurant at 3am.
-when we picked out our dream house and pinky swore that we would build a tree house for our kids.
-that you never had morning breath.
-those surgery scars on your back that would itch so bad it would wake you up at night.
-that you betrayed me.
-taking the dog to the park and throwing the frisbee for him.
-Billy the kitty.
-You telling me that I'm cold all day because I didn't get the water hot enough in my morning shower. And when we showered together I felt like the water was burning me.
Even though you know I don't regret my decision and I am happy, somewhere in the back of my mind and I would never admit this out loud I think we will be together again, somehow. And you were right. Those words that I thought were so hurtful and cruel and filled with ego when you uttered them. They are true, part of me will always love you and I'll never forget.

oh, and for some unknown reason, I can't leave comments on any of my favorite blogs, but I am reading it......T-Bone, I promise I'm stopping by, I just can't post anything to ya!!

Will spring ever arrive?!?!

I guess I can't complain too much, the sun is shining, but it's 21 degrees. It's March, for cryin' out loud. Growing up as a kid, I can remember spending my birthday at the Fort Worth Zoo, or going to the museums, or whatever birthday event us country folks would enjoy, but it was usually pretty nice, about 60 degrees, and sunny. Maybe that's just how I remember my birthday, but with the B-day looming ever nearer, I can't help but wish it would be nice here, if even for a day. I may just get that wish, as the weather man says it might be a nice week, though I won't hold my breath.
I usually don't get all that wound up about birthday, especially my own. Fortunately, I have Julia, who always makes my birthday special, and how great is that? No sappy family stories or anything, but if it weren't for her, my birthday would probably come and go, and no one would really notice. Except for maybe my boyfriend, who would figure out why I was so mad at him, but not till about 3 days later.
I blame my restless feet on my birthday this year. I guess that's not true, I blame my restless feet on my outlaw ancestors from Deep in the Heart of Texas, raisin' hell, and chasing saloon girls, but closer to the point, bring along a birthday, and suddenly, I'm ready to raise hell myself. Suddenly, I can see all the things I haven't gotten done. I realize that my job isn't much to get excited about, my life isn't much to get excited about, over all, there's not really a whole lot I can get excited about. How did this happen? When did I become "that girl"?
Thus ensues the plans for change in my life. Julia and I have spent hours talking about it, what it means, what it will take, and how hard it's suddenly going to be to not get to see her everyday. Over a cold beer last night, surrounded by rednecks, music from the juke box, and inflatable deer heads on the wall, Julia and I decided it's not a bad place to be. It's exciting to have new adventures on the horizon. After we parted ways, and were getting settled in the for the night, a phone call from Julia only reinforced how great a friend she is, and how encouraging she has been, and I'm sure will continue to be. I'm just glad she didn't make me get tear-y at the bar, nothing worse than cryin' in your beer. And on the continuing saga of the man I love, and how to make him understand the changes that are obviously coming, credit to him for not fighting with me about it last night, for picking a fight about something completely off the subject, while ignoring the white elephant in the room, for not giving me the silent treatment for being at the local bar, where someone might recognize me as his girlfriend, but for just falling asleep on the couch with me, stroking my hair, and telling me that he loves me. It couldn't have been more of what I needed at the moment.