Ghosts

I dreamed about you again last night. Its been awhile since I had and everytime I do, I know I will think about you for the rest of the day. Every now and then I will be cleaning out a drawer and come across a picture of you and be taken back in time. I'll remember all of the good times, and some of the bad. I still won't watch ER because that one character looks so much like you. Sometimes when I'm in a crowd of people I will see hair that is exactly your color and my heart will skip for a nanosecond even though I know its not you. Everyday, without fail, I check that email account that only you have access to, just in case. I sometimes wish that we didn't have that silence pact unless an emergency occurs, but I know you have called my Mom to check on me. Everytime you do, she makes sure I know in words only I would catch and understand. She never comes right out and says it.
Its been nine years since you have touched me and I still remember exactly how it felt. When I smell your cologne on someone else my heads swims just a little bit. I remember that you taught me that I needed to stop and breathe. In fact you used to force me, kicking and screaming. I remember when you threw my books, dance shoes and computer disks in the pool because I refused to take a break. You made me understand that they were only distractions, not my life. You taught me that if it doesn't love me back, its not really my life. I do that now, you know, I'm the one that insists on breaks. I remember that I wouldn't argue with you, I wouldn't fight, I let you control. You know I'm not that person anymore, I found my voice again. I fight, sometimes even dirty. I think you would have respected me more if I had done that with you. You taught me pain. I taught it right back. We made so many mistakes, we lived through so many of them. We were survivors, we still are.
I remember....
-that anytime I had a bad day your cure was pizza hut pizza, extra cheese and your chocolate malts.
-that every Sunday we would eat breakfast in bed and read the funnies together.
-that old junker car that you had that we both secretly loved because it never once broke down and we saved our money to put an awesome sound system in it. We would listen to Nina Simone or U2 as loud as we could for hours, over and over.
-those formal parties I had to go to and you always acting so perfectly. Never too loud, never too snobby, never too quiet. You never once uttered a wrong thing at a party.
-that whenever we danced you would sing in my ear, barely a whisper, even if you didn't know the words.
-exactly the way you looked in your tux.
-teaching your Mother how to cook a casserole. The only meal she ever made us was eggs and hashbrowns, but she did make that perfectly.
-that trip we planned to take.
-that trip we did take for our first anniversary and that first we did while we were there.
-jumping off that cliff while holding your hand and not being scared for even a second.
-that moment I walked in your bedroom and knowing that I just lost everything.
-graduation night when my sister took us out and got us really drunk and having sex on that pull out couch.
-the way you held me and cried when we found out. How we both knew it was our worst nightmare and greatest hope.
-how you held my hair the first time I got drunk.
-that time we slept in the back yard and told each other our greatest fears. I still remember yours.
-that I never told you my ACT score because it was higher than yours.
-when you showed up with my favorite meal, from our favorite restaurant at 3am.
-when we picked out our dream house and pinky swore that we would build a tree house for our kids.
-that you never had morning breath.
-those surgery scars on your back that would itch so bad it would wake you up at night.
-that you betrayed me.
-taking the dog to the park and throwing the frisbee for him.
-Billy the kitty.
-You telling me that I'm cold all day because I didn't get the water hot enough in my morning shower. And when we showered together I felt like the water was burning me.
Even though you know I don't regret my decision and I am happy, somewhere in the back of my mind and I would never admit this out loud I think we will be together again, somehow. And you were right. Those words that I thought were so hurtful and cruel and filled with ego when you uttered them. They are true, part of me will always love you and I'll never forget.