Ok, I'm having a blah day at work and just want to get out of here. To cheer myself up I'm going to make a list of some of my fave things and share them with you.

1. Pedicures with massage
2. Miller Lite Longnecks
3. Road Trips
4. Talking on the phone
5. Pat Green
6. Italian Food
7. Makin out like a high schooler
8. Cappuccino
9. Red Lipstick
10. Strappy sandals

think of me what you will, but yes, I drink whiskey from mason jars. I don't even own wine glasses, though I recieved an exquisite bottle of Shiraz for my birthday a couple of months ago. I keep telling myself I'll save that for "that special occation" and just keep company with Wild Turkey in the mean time. I'm a walking contradiction, I realize that. From a charity ball last night, to riding the tractor today, no wonder no one but Julia understands me. Oh, and I had left over Hooters wings for breakfast this morning. Yeah, I'm that girl. But I start work at 4:15 am, there's nothing normal about that. It's very liberating to realize certain truths about yourself, I'll let you know when I get that point......

A reminder that my tackiness knows no limits!!!

The greatest quotes of the weekend....

"Oh NO! If he goes into the bathroom he will see the empty wine glasses I used this week while taking baths. - Long Pause while I look at her funny. - Ok, so they are empty mason jars that held whiskey, wine glasses sounded so much classier." - Chesa

"It smells like someone shit a magnolia!" - Me.

Oh, so much to say I hardly know where to begin. First things first, regarding MY last entry. I should not be allowed to blog with having PMS. It just shouldn’t happen. It’s like those old drug commercials with the egg. This is your brain, this is your brain on PMS.

I still meant most of what I said, I just don’t usually feel all of it at the same time. The first fact is I am married, and most the time it does constitute happily. I do have issues with my husband, and not getting enough time to myself, but it is something that we are working on together. I’m very happy that when I do go through one of my crazy spells he is there for me, the problem is sometimes, he is always there. And he always wants to get laid, but I guess that is better than turning away in horror if I’m naked!

I did get out of my hometown. It does drive me nuts that I live in a small town. I miss living in a city and the energy that you get when people are bustling all around you. I am considering moving to a semi-city to work and commuting back and forth so I can have the best of both worlds. Living in the country does have it’s high points, like being able to sit on the front porch and drink beer and look at a field full of grass and watch the sun go down. I must admit, most days I do prefer a streetside bar, being able to watch people from all walks of life go by.

Next issue, my job. Yes, I hate my job. I really loathe it for many reasons, the first one is that it is monotonous. I do the same thing day in and day out. I don’t get to talk to people. I hate that. I feel like I am in cube hell. I can’t even see outside. You wonder why I smoke? So, I have an excuse to see the light of day!!! My boss seriously is an idiot. I work the same place that my husband does, in the same building. Yes, I see him 24/7. The problem with getting a different job in this town is my husbands family has lived here for over 100 years, so they have their enemies or I have issues with working with his immediate family so that doesn’t leave much that pays for shit!!! Also, I just found out that one have my co-workers has been stealing my copy writings and turning them in as her own. BITCH. Can I prove this? No. Grrrrrrr.

So, here is the option I am considering. I’m looking to get a job in sales again, where I can talk to people in a city that is about 90 minutes from where I live now. I can commute one or two days a week, be home for weekends and the rest of the time live with my VERY best friend on the planet, Chesa. I’m not sure if I will LOVE the job, but I am 95% sure that is will be better than what I am doing now, and I can almost double my earnings…. All very good things. So, I think I’m going to seriously consider it. I can always pack up and come back here.

The funny thing is, I used to completely overhaul my life about every two years or so. I’d get a new look, new boyfriend, new career, everything. Sometimes these changes came from me making them, and sometimes they came out of necessity. I never thought about the pattern before, so now that I’m married I’ve realized this is not a complete option. Now, I have to think about how this is going to effect someone else! I don’t know if I consider myself selfish for that or not. I mean, I know I’m VERY selfish, but I’m not sure that considering changing my life direction is selfish if it will make me happier, and a better spouse.

Chesa, thanks again for your response post. Your clarity always amazes me, and how you completely understand my screwy head!

More than anything, it's hard to know that I can't help you in your search for yourself. I've been there, and I wish that fact could justify your unsettlement, that if it's something we all do, that my time could take care of your obligation. But it doesn't. It wouldn't mean as much if didn't have to work for it. 25 years feels like a long time to you? Not hardly. In 25 years you've done so much. You have made great changes. You don't live in your hometown, you've ventured to new places, with a man that loves you, and there are women, hell, there are men that are too afraid to take such big risks. And who says you have to have it figured out, zipped up, and sealed by a certain time in your life? I think there is no ONE goal. There is no ONE thing on the list to get done. I used to. I used to think I was born to do something. Know what I found? That I was missing the little goals and accomplishments when I was focused on the ONE. Maybe the goal is every single day.
Here's the kicker, Julia. It's impossible to find peace within your world, until you've found peace with yourself. You've got a job, not a great one, but a job. And you can find one that you like. It's just your job, it's not who you are. You've got 2 step kids, they're almost grown. You'll have find what you want, whether you have them at home, in college, or just in your life. The stuff around you, it's just that, it's stuff. It's like taking a bus ride with dirty glasses on. There's so much to see and do, and experience, but if your glasses are smugged, and dirty, you'll miss alot. Don't be so concerned and worried about your destination, you'll get there, but you don't want to miss all the good stuff on the way.
No worries, Julia. Your intelligence and creativity far outweigh your good looks, though you've got both in abundance. You are fearless, because taking a look at where you are, figuring out you're not where you want to be, and trying to make it better. That is one of the bravest things you can do.

Maybe I have procrastinated enough. I started this blog to try and figure out what I want in life, among other reasons such as keeping a log of my life. Here are the facts. I'm confused. I don't know what makes my happy. I don't think I have ever been content. I'm not sure what in my life I like and what I don't. I'm going to be 25 this year and I don't feel like I have accomplished anything that I set out to. This fact scares me in that I might be at the same point at 35. And 45 and so on. I'm married, not sure if it constitutes as happily or not. I have two step children. I have three dogs. I live in bumblefuck south, and even though I'm 10 hours from where I grew up I don't feel like I have gotten out of my hometown like I promised myself I would. My careers have included, but are not limited to; professional ballerina, model, student, sales rep, dept. manager, marketing consultant, copy writer, receptionist, and housewife. I don't think I've really enjoyed any of them. I have no faith that if I quit my current miserable job that the next one will be any better, that I won't loathe it any less. I don't think that I want a divorce, but I'm not sure if I want to be married either. I don't think I'm happy living in the town I'm in, but I don't know if I like any of the options I have when it comes to moving. I know I used to be very confident about my looks and intelligence, now I wonder how much I ever had of either. I have trouble talking to people about anything serious, ecspecially my husband. I'd rather write everything down because when I get into arguments, I get petty and mean. I used to be fearless, now I'm scared to do anything. I don't know how to fix any of it.

Another Monday, and I'm relecting on Easter Sunday. Oh, the usual, plastic baskets, and kids in their sunday suits, candy, stuff like that, but more than that, just a nice day. First full day I've had off in a few weeks, and looks like it may be a while on another one. Good thing I got to see my favorite people all in one day. Just a good day all around, though un-nerving day. It's the usual source of troubles, a man. No need to bore, I've just got alot to think about. and on a Monday..damn it.

Hopes were high, and met to the fullest.....we have some great softball ass...how have I missed it all this time. Must be those suits that don't justice. Grub was good, the scenery was GREAT...many good looking guys in this town. It's Friday, YAY

Well, well, well. What is there to say for today? I added some links to the side of the page. These aren't 'special friends' or anything, they are just some blogs that I happened upon and found interesting. So, if your over there, you can feel special. I'm headed to Chesa's town tonight to hang out and grab some grub. I think we will go check out the softball game and see if there is any nice ass that works for her company. I'm not keeping my hopes up.

My boss just came and drew a dirty picture on the whiteboard in my office while cracking jokes....I'm not sure if I feel laughter, honor, or violated. At least it was entertaining!!!

What a fabulous weekend it was!!! I had to work, but I love my job, as I can turn work in to play very quickly. A nice hotel on the Lake, my best friend, some beer, my favorite cowboy, yes it was lovely, and just what I needed. I am like a new woman when I come walking into work today. Then I come through the door, and I can feel the stress level rise!!! It's a stress job anyway, everything down to the second, tight, no mistakes, and no security in tomorrow, just today, and how it sounds today. Add a few whiny, pussy men, and it doesn't make for a good combo. If I wanted to wipe noses, and explain to the kids that there is only so many toys to play with, I'd work at a fucking day care. Most times, I'd just let it go, let folks act how they want, it's not skin off my rear. But with these guys are making my life a living hell, the boss bitching because they're not happy, and I should try a little harder to include everybody. Here's what my grandad would say to that..." Lead, follow, or get out of the way." No initiative? That's fine, I'll go on without you. It makes me heartless because I'm female, because, as the boss put it, I "should be even more aware of feelings." What the hell is that? Cause I sit around in a room that's painted yellow, and mediate on a fluffy pillow? Cause those "get in touch with your feelings" books take up room on my shelves?!?!? I THINK NOT. I want to tell them to all buck up, act like grown ups, and buy your own damn self help books to improve your mood.

heehee Good thing it's Monday

well, hold on to your hat, cause it's going to be 76 here today. I am trying to be really excited, but the lack of sleep for nearly a week is getting to me. If I thought my fingers could keep typing, I'd tell you all about it.....aren't you lucky today

I'm so much happier now that the sun is shining and it's suppose to be in the sixties today. The weather so effects my moods. It helps that Chesa (partner on this site) came up to see me yesterday. It was definitly good for my soul. I took off of work about 2.5 hours early and we sat around my place for awhile, then jumped in the truck and went to find one of our friends that lives on a farm. Since I have never spend ANY time on a farm, this was quite the experience for me! Well, the sun was shining and we got the grand tour. It was beautiful. Everywhere we went it was quiet and peaceful and gorgeous. I am having serious thoughts about becoming Farmer Julia. I actually got within TWO feet of a COW!!!! Whooo! I also got to love on some very sweets farm puppies and I wanted to take them all home to meet my three puppies, but decided against that. I have enough dog hair in my house.

In other news, I'm actually very excited that my significant other is coming back from a work trip tomorrow night. I'm thinking I will make him dinner tomorrow, then for Saturday I made reservations at local resort hotel for night of taudry sex. Sunday I'm scheduled to have champagne brunch, bloody mary lunch with Chesa in said resort town. I think then we will go to spa and get pedi/mani cures. If anyone else has interesting romantic ideas, I'd love to hear them!!! Thanks!

Good Afternoon, lovely people. It is snowing, in Missouri, in April....AND it fucking cold out...this equals me being a wee bit cranky. Add to that a bit of a wine headache and not enough sleep = me blantantly unpleasant person. Luckily, almost everyone that works in my building is gone for a conference. This means I have done no actual work today!!! Yipee! I have spent most of my day reading websites and drinking some seriously delicious cappaccino. There has been some feet on the desk and an exceedingly long lunch, many smoke breaks and there WILL be leaving early!!!! I read a very lovely site today, it was Arigoesdown, and she was lovely. I highly recommend you check her out. Well, I'm off to do more of nothing......Since I'm an html idiot, and I can't figure out why that won't link, the site is www.arigoesdown.blogspot.com

Like I said, I can't NOT read the book, and in the end, it wasn't a bad book. Actually, I liked it. It's called Good in Bed, and it's not a sex tool. The woman had some depth, and in the end, she was a great winner over the situation. YAY

it's funny you're talking about books. I did some reading this weekend as well. When you're depressed about your love life, there's one absolution: DON'T read books about other women who are depressed about their lives. It gives tou all new ideas on things to be depressed about that you wouldn't have thought of. That's not the kind of inspiration I need.
I like to think that I'm a progressive woman, keeping my mind and imagination alive and fresh by reading all sorts of books, novels, poetry, documentaries, even the occational book in Spanish. However, I'm making a vow to trash all novels that are pathetic love stories. Not the chessy everything-works-out books, no, the ones about depressed, lonely breakups in New York under smog, with best friends that live in apartments across from Central Park. Can someone write a book about something real? No one I know spends a "breakup" shopping spree in some shoe store in New Jersey to make themselves feel better...ok well Julia would. But other than that. I want to scream, "GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK" I hope to everything female these characters aren't based on real people. What about women with determination, with heart and balls? NO, it seems alot more simple than this. Grab some friends, a case of Miller Light, and great cd, and get out on the road. Almost all of life's problems can be cured that way, indeed, it's salve for the weary soul.
It seems as thought the solution to my character frustration is to just stop reading the books, right? That's like cutting someone off in conversation. Even if you're bored, it seems rude. And many great books I have started out boring. There's only one book in my immense collection that remains only half read. It's called "A Map of the World". It's a tan book, and no, it doesn't look like an atlas. It bugs me, having not finished it. It's like it catches my eye everytime I walk past the book shelf.
The book is about a child dying.


It's been one year to the day since I lost my little brother, since I had to put him in the ground, and I just can't bring myself to finish that book. So instead, my thoughts turn to other subjects that never seem to ease up. However, reading about a woman who is heartbroken while having my way with a can of rainbow chip cake icing seems to reinforce my optimistic belief in strong, real women, and that even they need cheesy books and sweat pants some days.
Here's to a life with no guys. No bodily functions at inoportune times, no "Dear Penis" song, no tv in bed, no baby talk to my breasts. Oh yes, I LOVE being single.

I've been wrestling with myself about what to post for today. Initially, I was going to rant and rave about daylight savings time and not getting enough sleep and spending the whole weekend fighting with my significant other, but I don't feel like being that way today. Don't get me wrong, I am tired and crabby, but the sig. other is going out of town tomorrow, which will give me time to think through what I want from that relationship and how I'm going to get it, maybe that should be if....Oh, well.

What I will talk about is the books I read this weekend. They were wonderful trash about women who didn't know what they wanted in life, including careers and relationships. They were so perfect because I felt like I was the characters. Does that ever happen to you? You are looking for a direction, find yourself in a bookstore and end up finding a book that starts where you feel you are today? I just wish I could fall into my life like the character does. The characters ended up happily ever after....until the sequel, I'm sure. But, things just fell into place for them and they ended up on the right path. I know, it's fiction, but I still sit here hoping that will somehow happen to me.

Here's the question today. What happened to the idealism we had in college? Shit. We were going to save the world, we could do anything, and we dared anyone to tell us otherwise. Now, I can barely remember what that was like. It's a childhood taste, like the orange cream soda we drank out of clear glass bottles that would drip condensation on out dirty 10 year old hands. I can still feel the fizzle on my tounge...but what about now? It's no where to be found.
I've been stipped of so much these days, pride determination, and most of all, perception. We're in modern America. Since when is the work place about Men vs. Women? Appearantly, it's always been that way, and I just assumed I was in a business where that crap didn't exist.. WRONG The sad part about it is, it reminds me of recess. The boys are doing something stupid while the girls are wringing their hands, warning them not to. Or, like me as a child, jumping right on there, gigin' frogs with 'em. Then the teacher comes, and you know what she says? "Why are you out here with the boys? Don't you know you could get hurt?" That's about what I feel like today. Just days ago I was sitting in a room with a bunch of men, one of which is my partner here at work, and when we got the subject of me, I was being consulted, excuse me, insulted about not being female enough at my job, about having too much of an opinion, and showing too much independence. What the fuck? If I were anymore female, I'd be wearing my underwear on the outside of my clothes. OH, there's a new argument, female vs prissy.......
I love what I do, don't get me wrong. I've just had to look at the depth of my character at work and make sure I'm happy with it. Know what? I am happy with it. So if this suddenly another battle I have to fight, then I'll fight like a girl, with grace and style, and even more vicious than any man that's suddenly found the liberty to give it to me in the peverbial ass. ( what a runon sentence)
That's the lesson that should be included in college. How victory doesn't come without a fight, how you WILL have to grin and bear it now and then, and that idealism acts as a great lube.

here's to secret blogging...hi

So, I'm going to quit my crappy job of writing marketing copy and database code (I know, what a combo) and open an independent bookstore and coffee shop. Any advice out there, would be helpful! My advice to you is, quit shopping at Borders and Barnes & Noble!!! Go independent, or go to....Well, you get it.

There was actually a special on VH1 last night about asses. Can you even comment on that?!

Well, Good Morning all of you lovely people!!! I have a question for you....
Why is it that you don't see just one lonely red high heel on the side of the road? When you see an abandoned shoe on the highway, its always a disgusting old sneaker. You would think that people who lose shoes on the highway have their perfectly manicured toes hanging out of the window of a convertible and that is how they would lose a shoe! I don't get it. Where do all the dirty, discusting sneakers come from???

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We are secretly blogging, sshhhh, don't tell!!!