Like Saran Wrap

I haven't lived alone for about 9 years. Somedays I REALLY miss it. The last time I lived alone I was 17 and had an awesome apartment with all wood floors and tons of big windows. It had a rooftop garden and on a clear day you could see the lake. Last night I was really missing the solitude and peace that you get when you live alone. My husband can get very clingy. Sunday nights are usually a time when I come home from work and grab a glass of wine and go up to the bedroom to just chill. I might watch TV, I might iron, I might turn on some music and turn the lights off and just close my eyes. Its my time and I do not want to be disturbed. I don't want to talk about taxes, or this months sales figures, or the dogs, or what I bought at the grocery store, I don't want to talk - period. I was very cranky when I got home last night. No, not hormonal cranky, just had a long week and needed time to collect myself. My husband did not seem to understand this. He was in clingy, yappy mood and was trying my patience. He does not at all understand why I need this time, he does not get why in the summertime I like to go for long drives by myself for hours. Please understand that I do like to spend time with him just not ALL my time. He always reads this as I'm mad at him which annoys me even more because even more time is spent explaining that I'm not in fact pissed at anyone.
I'm usually a very focused person. I have lists in my head every day of what I need to accomplish. Sunday nights are for thinking about the things that I don't always allow myself to contemplate during the week. Here are some examples.

-Would that coral lipstick I have go with my peach sweater?
-Should I do my nails again before we go to Texas or just touch up?
-What does that construction guy who works near me look like naked?
-Does my ass look good in those jeans I bought a few weeks ago?
-Why do men still wear patterned sweaters that look like they belong on Bill Cosby?
-I wonder if my ex is married now?
-Will I ever change my mind about having kids?
-When do I want to move from this town and start over again?
-Should I color my hair? Will I if I get a grey one?
-Should Chesa keep a gun in her apartment?
-Why is my Mother acting like a selfish bitch again? Did she stop taking her meds?
-Would I ever get married again?
-Is my sister happy?
-Should I learn to speak Italian?

I realize that most of these questions are not the least important, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to think about them.
So, yet another reason I can't wait to go to Texas. I know that Chesa and I will not talk incessantly the entire time and I can have all of the time I want to think about these things, among others.

Well, critize us if you like...it doesn't bother me. That was the whole point of THE ROAD HOME, to explore our thoughts, and emotions......Keep cool my babies ( in my best Conan O'Brien voice)
I suppose that nothing can daunt my mood today, even the cloudy, snowy messy outside. It's only a few days till we leave for out ROAD TRIP EXTRAVAGANZA !!! ( roll parade music)
Seems there's 100 things to do, pack, iron, run to the cleaners, vacuum the vehicle out, things like that. Good times ahead, and I think it's long over due!! Family, cowboys, Texas, and on the road with Julia...can't think of how to improve that combo. Can u tell I'm excited?!? I gotta get back to work, to finish the list of things before we go. More blog love later!!

oh, and no cousin named Mike, but I'm sure we can find someone to fill in ;)

Northern Lights
Texas weekend countdown. T minus 5 days. We are headed south not only for mardi gras weekend, superbowl Sunday but also the Ft. Worth stock show will be happening. Things in this city will be insane the entire weekend. Because of all the happenings I just found out that we will be sleeping on the floor at Chesa's Aunt and Uncle's house because there will be so many guests. Not that I am a huge fan of sleeping on the floor, but I am VERY excited about being with a large group of people.
It reminds me of a trip I took when I was about 15. I was going to a friends cabin 'up north' for the weekend. If you live in MI, WI, MN, or IL you understand what the phrase 'up north' means. Everybody has two houses, one in southern Wisconsin, your main residence, and one on a lake somewhere north where you spend weekends. Depending on your income this is somewhere between the size of an ice shack to a mansion. Since I went to private school, most of my friends had a lot of money (I wasn't one of them) and the cabin we went to was more mansion variety. The place had 8 bedrooms so there were quite a few people invited, cousins, friends, coworkers. My friend's cousin that was particularly interesting was Mike. He was 19 and played college football. And he was incredible looking. I don't remember all of the activities we did that weekend, the one that I recall with so much clarity it could have happened yesterday is Saturday night. I remember being sound asleep in the bedroom I was sharing with my friend and being woken up by none other than the drop dead gorgeous Mike. He whispered in my ear that there was something outside that he needed to show me. Well, that got my mind racing. When we got outside I didn't see anything very important except him, but we sat down on the hammock and he told me to look up. It was incredible. It was the Northern Lights, the Aurora borealis and it was spectacular. I have only seen it once and I will never forget it. If you don't know what this is, look it up. Turns out that wasn't the only 'first' I had that night. No, I did not lose my virginity that night just learned what an orgasm was. We stayed on that hammock all night and watched the sun rise over the lake in the morning.
Since there will be no hammock in Texas, I probably won't have an orgasm, but they do have a nice porch swing on the deck...KIDDING! Shameless flirting only. And dancing until my feet hurt with bull riders (yummy). If you have never seen how tight a bull riders ass is, you really should. Its almost as good as the northern lights. By the way Chesa, you don't have a cousin named Mike, do you?

Just Call me Superwoman.

I feel GREAT! I had such an awesome workout this morning. I'm thinking it had a lot to do with the fact that I actually got some sleep, of course that meant that after I woke up at my regularly scheduled time, I went back to sleep for another two hours. Ahhh, it was lovely. I then had the debate of 'should I work out?' I really didn't have time, but forced myself anyway knowing that I wouldn't do it at all today if I didn't do it in the morning. I actually ended up adding about 15 minutes to my workout because I had so much energy. That left me with about 20 minutes to shower and get ready to leave, but I actually did make it to work on time! Damn, I'm good. Ok, so maybe I don't look as polished as I usually do, but too bad. I really shouldn't be taking time to blog, but after my resolution yesterday, I'm blogging daily, and that's final.
Had a good time last night, went down to Fayetteville with Chesa, where we both used to live, to pick up some concert tickets for next month. We grabbed dinner down there which was not very good, but it was nice to be out of our town. I love walking into crowded places with Chesa. We always turn heads and its always a great ego booster. We live in a small town where EVERYBODY knows us and it is so nice to have anonymity and mystery on occasion. We both grew up in small towns, moved to cities when we were just coming into ourselves and ended up on our own pretty young. I still feel pulls to the city fairly often, but also love living in the middle of nowhere. Its comforting to have 75% of the people you see driving down the road wave at you. It good going to the corner bar and knowing 90% of the people sitting at the bar, knowing that if anybody fucks with you at least 10 large men will take them out back and beat the shit out of them without blinking an eye. On the other hand, its also very nice to walk into the bar in the city and not knowing anybody, and whatever you do will not be common knowledge the next day. Not that either of us would do anything that we didn't want to get back to town (yeah, right). Anyway, we didn't stay long or party our asses of last night, we both wanted to get home. I didn't get a lot of work done yesterday and was feeling guilty about it, so I stayed up until about 1am doing paperwork. The dogs amazingly did not wake me up at 4am, like they usually do when hubby is out of town.
Today should be busy, hubby is suppose to be home late tonight, but with a bad weather front coming in, I'm not sure he will make it. Might be another night of phone sex. Damn. Really need to get laid. Oh well, I have plenty of work to keep me occupied, paperwork stacked as far as the eye can see and two apple pies that I need to bake. So, as the snow rolls in my store will have the scent of cinnamon and sugar and comfort. Not a bad way to spend the day.

My grandmother is one of the most spectacular women I've ever met. She's not much over 5 feet tall, which for a family of 6 footers, she seems so small. She's cool beyond grandmother sterotypes....... not I-pod cool, but cell phone and internet cool. She still calls me to figure out how to check her text messages now and then, but she's far ahead for a "Memmaw". This woman raised me, taught me her great love of cooking and running a resturant, which is what she did for years when I was growing up. She's spunky, and southern, with big Christmas dinners, and a hidden bottle of Bailey's in the cabinet. She told me last night, when I called to check on her, that she knew that I could live anywhere, go anywhere, and be great. What a encouraging, refreshing statement. It was something I needed to hear, and she came through, as always. It makes me teary here at my desk, and being in a mostly male environment, I gotta cut that shit out. Speaking of, I better get back to work...............

So much to blog about....

#1. I've been inspired. Steve not only inspired me to write more but also have some INCREDIBLE sex this morning. BIG thank you to him. And by the way, no I was not thinking about him while I was having sex I was just got really hot reading about his exploits. On this subject I will give a tip that is tried, true, tested and approved that I read somewhere. Have your man drink some hot coffee and then go down on you. I am about THE most unsociable person on the planet in the mornings and I do have to down some serious coffee before this occurs or hubby will be risking life and limb, but damn when I am in the mood and this happens. WOW!!!!
#2. Chesa, damn girl. I love having this blog with you. I've thought about starting one and keeping it completly private and anonymous, but I tell you everything anyways so what would be the point? Chesa is only person on the planet that I could stand to live with besides my husband and sometimes she definitly passes him on the list. If it wasn't for the eating pussy thing, I would be a lesbian and Chesa would be my life partner. She is fucking awesome. I know you are trying to figure 1,000 things out right now and its totally your turn. I want to see you be selfish and greedy and get everything and more that you want because you deserve it. I really want you to be happy, no matter what that entails. The road home is full of potholes for you right now, but I swear a smoother one is in the works because I know you will keep on driving.
#3. The Chick Trip. Amazingly enough Chesa and I have never gone on vacation together without the men in our lives. This, we realized is completly unacceptable. So we are road trippin it next weekend. Chesa has a bit of business to take care of but mostly it is going to be mardi gras weekend and superbowl Sunday and its going to be wild, crazy, unforgettable and just what we both need. When I take a vacation, I usually have some question nagging at the back of my mind that I have not been able to put the time, effort, and relaxation in to solve. This time I'm going with a pretty clear headed. It helps that I work by myself now and have time to actually sit and think with peace and quiet. But I know you are pondering life decisions and I just want you to know I will sit there, listening intently for as long as you want to talk. But I will insist that I have alcohol in me. I give better advice that way. ;)
#4. Hubby is out of town today and tomorrow. He is traveling for work quite a bit more these days. I kind of like it when he goes out of town. I get the whole house to myself, the remote, I get going away sex and hot coming home sex, guaranteed. On the other hand, I have to make the coffee, get up with the dogs and no having the perfect cup on my nightstand when I wake up. I actually have to use the alarm clock. I hate alarm clocks. But I also don't have to cook dinner if I don't want to, I can eat fritos if I want. I adore that. Oh, and phone sex...my favorite part. Actually I will probably take my pile of paperwork and laptop home and work until the wee hours because I don't have anyone giving me dirty looks and taunts of 'workaholic'. Like he's one to talk. Humph.

I love the look of a blank blog window, on which to post any thoughts, any feelings, whatever is on my little brain. The sun is shining today, high of 60 degrees. The preview of spring does crazy things to me. I start getting restless. Did you know that Chesa is swahili (sp?) for "dancing feet"? It is, and appropriately so. I've lots of thoughts these days about finding where I belong. It stems from all sorts of events and circumstances that really just suck ass, and that I'd rather not gripe about, but a huge part of it is a funeral I attended a few months ago. It will likely be the hardest thing to explain in my life, the one thing that can't be rationalized, or considered part of the greater plan. I stood looking into a coffin at a man I never met. I searched a face for some sort of memory, or answer to a question, but it never appeared. I watched people mourn for this man, people he knew and loved, and felt even more robbed of something. I listened to the taps play on this beautiful hillside on a ranch in Texas, was handed the flag from a grateful nation, and yet was jealous of a nation that knew him perhaps better than I did. I was his only child, so the honors were mine to recieve a folded flag that waved over the services of putting him to rest. I look at that flag in my life here, so far from that ranch, and am still moved. Slowly, without my notice, the feelings of sadness for what has been missed, and what will never be has been joined by feelings of longing to belong somewhere, wherever that may be. Along with all the fabulousness that makes me up, there is a wanting, a need for home. Maybe it's been there all along, the search for home, but with the arrival of spring, I want to plant flowers, and sit on my front porch drinking ice tea. The Catch 22, and maybe that part I hate the most, is that 2 and 1/2 years into a relationship with a man I love, and there's no plans for porch sittin'. Am I suddenly THAT girl? The one that hopes for forever? I like to think of it as more the search for validation, the reasurrance of life, and the meaning therein. I am being torn apart inside, with the longing for a home, a place that I fit, and the love I have for a man that I can't imagine living without. Years ago, when living lonely in another town, for another radio job, I wrote a song with a line in it..."I wish I didn't know I was in the wrong place, then I could be content..." That line has haunted me for the last few days, and I wonder why. Spring will be here soon, with new life beginning, and a change in how we dress, and how we think, and it always makes my mind waunder. There is no easy answer, and simple solution, so I do what I know best, working hard, loving with all I can, and being hopeful that doing the right thing is still the best choice.
In my restlessness, I'm glad for blog ears to talk to.
toodles

That last post of mine is total crap. Nevermind. Problem solved.

Happy New Year!

It kind of snuck up on me this year. Trying to get the store going and dealing with pain in the ass friends (not Chesa) and getting ready for Christmas it was like I forgot about New Year's. Its sinking in now. I wish I would have just ignored it. Its pouring cats and dogs today and thats Ok with me. It matches my mood. New Years always make me evaluate my life. I should be very happy this year. I finally have a job I love and adore, I have a best friend that could kick your best friend's ass, I'm fairly financially stable. It should be perfect, right? Thats what hit me, it is except for one thing. You know how when you hit hard times and you say to yourself 'When this part gets better, that other problem will get better'? Well, all of the other problems are fixed besides minor ones and yet that other big one has not resolved itself. If you haven't guessed yet, I'm speaking of my relationship with my husband. I'm wondering why it hit me so suddenly. Maybe my fantasy relationship with him we will never live up to. Maybe we are better together in hard times, in struggle. That is suppose to bring you together, right? Well, isn't it suppose to bring you closer together so you can more enjoy the good times? Thats not how it works with us. The good times come and all of those promises we made to each other to get through the rough spots are forgotten or maybe just ignored. I sometimes think that he only loves me when I'm needy, when I struggle.
I love him, and he really has been great the past few months, but now we've been in the good times for awhile and its like I don't exist unless I get right up in his face. I plan everything we do together and he shows up. Thats about all he does is show up. Doesn't put any effort in, just kind of goes along for the ride without even a smile on his face. If I don't plan anything he just sits on the couch and watches TV and I guess pretends I don't exist. How did I get so invisible so quickly and thouroughly? We went out to dinner last night (after I planned it of course) and I just wanted to have a relaxing evening alone with him and get laid. Everytime I brought up something about sex he would change the subject and talk about the cat being too skinny!!! I finally got where I felt so low and stupid and ugly I could barely see straight. He asked me what was the matter on the way home and I sort of told him and he said 'I don't think I did anything wrong, but it doesn't look like I did anything right either'. That was it exactly. There is more to this story, but I'm not sharing those details, lets just say I asked him a fun and flirty question and he answered with something very honest and not in my favor. It felt a lot like a knife going through me. Anyways that statement that he made rolled around in my head until about 4 this morning. He hit the nail right on the head. Its not so much that he does anything wrong, per se, but more like he doesn't do it right.
Maybe I expect too much. I am a very demanding, impatient person. But I get to thinking maybe I deserve what I wish for. Why shouldn't I? Why should I just resolve to accept what I have with him just because he doesn't do anything 'wrong'?
I guess that is what it boils down to, am I asking too much?