The Road Home
Not really a destination, but I'm having a hell of a time on the journey. The Road Home can mean so many different things to me. It means maybe one day I might work my way back to Wisconsin, it means I may find a new 'home' that I will have to work towards, maybe Italy, maybe Florida. It also means that maybe I will find that thing, you know that one thing we are all looking for, like that 'it' thing that some people have. You know when some people say that girl has 'it'. Maybe it means happiness nothing more, nothing less. I suppose it expresses that I haven't yet found my place in this world. That is me, a woman who is so confused about her purpose, her destination, the only thing she is certain about is confusion. I know I don't know what I am suppose to be accomplishing, I just hope to hell life is more than 'this'. This being a crappy location, a great job where I am making zero money, white trash that surrounds me. The point is that you find resolution in some of the most unlikely places. Maybe when you stop trying to prove yourself to everybody else, you just might find that YOU are content! This is such a foreign concept to the generation that needs everything RIGHT NOW, success included. Somehow we have gotten the impression in this 'dog eat dog world' (and I'm wearing milk bone panties) that we must be happy by 25, we need to have our careers figured out. We either need to be happily married or going out every night with our girlfriends ala the Sex & the City influence. Those are our choices. There is no in between without disappointment. The need not only to please, but to prove ourselves, to our parents, our siblings, our friends, our rivals, everybody at that damn high school reunion, prove that we can do it better than they ever thought about, is overwhelming. It is about having the balls to break through those barriers. To address the issues, to talk about it, to communicate, expecting the worst and realizing our full potential through a little bit of failure and quench our pride.
This blog has helped me realize the need to write, I never thought I was particularly good at it, still don't! Of course, this is the worst you will ever see of it, since I spend NO time editing or organizing. It is not always pretty, the words that end up on the page. But the act of writing has become my haven. Some play the piano, or another musical instrument, but my fingers flying over the keyboard make my own music, even if it is the backspace. Sometimes my words run back to me like poetry in motion, sometimes they end up a garbled inconceivable mess only understandable if you live in my brain. Sometimes I just can't get it out and make it make sense. It is so good to get my thoughts on paper, even if in the beginning they are nothing but a jumbled mess, I know that later I can go back and sort them out to read well, edit until my heart's content. Then again maybe I will just scrap it, put it in the recycle bin and move on. Maybe I just need to free them, the same way that we fly a kite. Does it serve a purpose besides freeing our minds? No, it doesn't make the world a better place, it doesn't advance our position at work it doesn't make our families understand us, it just frees our minds. We watch the ribbons flying in the breeze and let our worries float above it. We free our minds and release our souls to go their own ways for just a few brief moments.
I suppose I let myself be intimidated by people that have the back covers of their books covered with MBA acknowlegements and other degrees of accreditations. Mine will read, what? Wonderer? Career jumper? Lost girl? I'm afraid it will look more like the side of a milk carton, this girl need to be found. I suppose I can market a book that way, surely I'm not the only girl out there that feels this way. I read blogs everyday that revolve around this very issue. We as a generation have NOT found IT yet. We haven't found the relationship that makes us light up inside. We haven't found the career that gives our lives meaning. We haven't found the perfect place to live, we can't afford to buy all of the clothes that our fashion magazines and pop culture outlets insist we need to achieve happiness. Can we blame this on our culture? How about our parents? Do we want to prove they were wrong by marrying early and often unhappily? Do we want to prove our father's wrong by having better jobs than they ever dared dream about? We make more money, have more things and are twice as independent. Does it make a difference? Is our fight for independence not liberating, but suffocating? I think some days it is. I suppose somehow we are doing one or the other trying to please our parents or trying to prove them wrong, it's a toss for each of us. I know that I fought to prove them wrong and please them. I always thought they wanted better from me, they would be proud to see me take the risks that they talked about but couldn't follow through on. How wrong I was, instead they looked at me like I was crazy, they have yet to understand any of them. Everytime I tell them about the new direction that my life is taking they feign ignorance and grasp denial. Maybe they just want me to be settled so they don't have to worry anymore. I don't know why they insist on worry, it is not like I will come back to live with them if I fail! I will simply go a different direction, eventually I'm bound to find one that works.
I get the same rush writing for the blog or when I get a good comment back on a blog. I suppose it is a way to be validated, to prove I exist.

a rest for the weary...
actually, just rest for the restless. Still no internet at work, and my laptop is swarmed with spy ware, so that's going well for me right now. Minus the whole I'd-rather-throw-all-computers-out-the-window syndrome I'm currently in, I realize that as of right now, it's less than 30 days till we're in Key West. Does that sink in for you? Cause it's still a little surreal for myself. The excitement of it all is my companion right now. It's that feeling when you wake up in the morning, and know you're excited, though it take a minute to remember what it is. Especially when you're like me, and your coffee pot is already packed in a box...it takes a few minutes. It's the way I make it through my crappy days at work, and all the shit that entails, just ask Julia. I keep thinking " keep right on with your moaning and complaining, cause in about 29 days it's 'Adios fuckers'!" That's my new motto, by the way.
Seriously, my apartment will be empty in about 2 days, with Julias garage as my new storage unit, and her couch my home for 2 weeks. No need for another month's rent! It's a bit sad to me to see my little place all empty, my stuff either sold, or packed for the trip in lonely cardboard boxes. I'm down to sitting in camping chairs in the evening, eating off paper plates for the next few days. It's like being in college again! My cowboy man has finally come to grips with the fact that I'll be gone. That's a complicated story to tell, about letting go, about accepting the fact that after fighting for something for so long, that giving up sometimes is the best thing, then learning to accept that. I can't quiet talk about those things, about broken dreams, or disappointments in a relationship, as I haven't quiet got those worked out in my head.
I'm going to have to say I disagree with Julia, that this isn't after "happy ever after". This is happy ever after. This is giving fate a run for it's money. It's not about the stopping or starting points. It's about the shit along the way. Baby girl, you haven't had 6 careers, you've had one career that's changed 6 times to fit your diversity. This change in our lives is about people who looked at the road map, and said" I don't think that road is the one we'll take, this one looks much more fun". That's why people around us can't understand. They're looking at the same map, and they don't see that little road, they just see the highway, the way all tourist take. Only the locals know the good roads. This change means different things for the different travelers: Julias step daughter is taking her first steps on her own, this is her maiden voyage, for Julia and her hubby, this is the point they wanted to be at years ago when they were married in Key West, and the dream was born. For me? It's like standing on the high dive at the pool. I can see my boyfriend on the ground, not brave enough to go that high, but still trying to be a good sport by cheering my on. I'm standing on the edge, never having seen Key West, or any part of Florida, and knowing no matter how I land, I can swim, and that makes the jump all the more worth it.

Evolving Dreams

What happens when your dreams come true? What happens after 'happily ever after'? I'll tell you what, you build new dreams, set new goals. Maybe they will be to keep but improve on the original and sometimes you just have to go a totally different direction. If you would have asked you what my dreams were a year ago, I would have told you that I really wanted my own store and a great sex filled marriage. Well, I got the store, done. The marriage is definitely better than ever and the sex is actually pretty fucking good. Do we still have dry spells? Do we still fight? Absolutely, but not like we used to. So what is suppose to happen now? I'm I just suppose to sit content with what I have? I'm not that girl. Complacency is the enemy, always has been for me. I get bored, I need new adventures, new goals, I want everything! I have no doubts that one day I will be my own world power. I have had had at least 6 careers and I will be 27 next month. I admit, I did have a head start, I moved out at 14 and was in charge of supporting myself so that makes it 13 years in the working world. Damn, that makes me feel old. Now, the first 12 years of that was tough and the last 6 months have been gravy, really. Please understand I'm not complaining, I really wouldn't change it. My point is I keep getting asked why I am moving 1800 miles, giving up my store and my life here for the unknown. My answer has formulated to become not only because 'I can' but because my dreams have evolved. I have new ones now. I hit the old ones, surpassed them really. My new dreams are to live on the water, decorate a beach house and make a living either writing and/or painting. Give my more creative side a little exercise. If I manage to support myself doing this, will I do it for the rest of my life? I have NO FUCKING CLUE!!!! Why do I have to? Who the fuck are these people that are trying to tell me how to run my life?!?! What on God's green earth makes them think their opinion means DICK to me? I don't know, but it is getting on my nerves. If I want your fucking opinion on how I run my life, I will do the polite thing and ask you for it, otherwise, SHUT THE FUCK UP! My dreams are evolving, they probably will for my entire life. So, what?

Damn Karma.

I guess the karma god decided that I wasn't empathetic enough to Chesa's plight of no internet because last night during a power surge/outtage my modem and mother board wiring was fried in my laptop. GRRRR!!! So, now I'm working on the home PC trying to make up time and work for not having internet at work all day. Really, right now all I need to be is behind. Pffftt.

On a better note, if you have never had six incredible orgasms within an 8 hour span after a 3 week dry spell, I highly fucking recommend it!!! Amen, Julia got laid and can now function properly.

It's late, I'm tired and am going to bed.

my hell on earth.....
this small town is bearable, even tolerable with some connection to the outside world. As long as I can read world news, exist in my blog world, and CHECK MY DAMN EMAIL, I'm ok. But take those things away, and it's not pretty. No internet access at work for more than a week. Is this a sick joke? Then I've sold all my furniture, including my tv, so my connection to the real world is hindered even more. No desperate house wives this week? Again, just not right. My only consolation is that now I'm more than ready for Key West than ever. Pack light, and travel fast, that's the motto right now. My job knows I'm leaving, and everything's pretty cool there. My mother still doesn't know, yeah, things are good. Julia has a plate full, and I'm trying to help her as much as I can. AHH, just to be blogging again is so good! So much to tell...Oh, so in an attempt to sell off my belongings, I had my first garage sale. Not something I think I'll do again. Let's just say, when I saw the local white trash in clothes they had bought from me....I thought my little head would explode. They have infiltrated the camp like never before!!! They're wearing my clothes. Get me out of here.
My house is packed, and it's down to eating out of paper plates since everything else is in a box. Oh, and the expresso machine is in a box, that has a lot to do with my impatient mood. That, and no blog love lately. So, let's hope, for the sake of the IT guys at work, that the shit works tomorrow........
toodles

The House that What's His Name Built

I really don't care who built it, but we have a house! A nice shiny new one. Well, not brand new, but new to us. It is screaming for a pool party and bright paint on the walls. This means that I have approximatly three weeks to sell everything in my house and store and pack what's left and drive 1800 miles. Yikes. This is gonna be one busy bitch. Chesa is already leading the charge on trying to make my life as lease stressfull as possible, which is why I LOVE her!!!

We did get to go out on a girl's night Saturday and while we didn't dance on the bar we did have a good time. Met some nice boys, Quentin and Brent who for some reason I wanted to call Quagmire and Greg. We made our graceful exit just as the bikini and beer contest was starting and moved on to our neighborhood bar for one last drink of the night. That was dissappointing and boring, so we were home early at about 1:30am. One last girl's night next Friday with an awesome guy friend of ours that Chesa should really consider having a hot one night stand with. Just my humble opinion, it probably won't happen. Shucks.

I do have a date tonight! With my sister, we both actually have our houses to ourselves tonight at coordinating times! This NEVER happens. So, I will be waiting by the phone with a full glass of wine and a pack of smokes at precisely 6pm this evening. So if you were thinking about calling, emailing, or IMing me between the hours of 6 and 7:30 CST time tonight, don't bother I won't answer.

Ok, back to work for me...packing my kitchen and dreaming.

Chesa has had no internet access.....we have so much to talk about. Soon my friends

A Change of View

As I was sitting on the front porch on a sunny Saturday afternoon, drinking a glass of wine and letting tears roll down my face with the rhythm of my favorite song I got to thinking of my views. Chesa was playing guitar and letting loose with the most heart wrenching rendition of Blue Bayou that you could ever imagine. I have heard her sing that song more times than I can count. It never fails to make my eyes water, even when she is singing in on top of the bar. I thought about all of the views I have taken in while letting that song move me. I remembered her singing it in her first apartment in Arkansas when I went down to visit, we sat on her mattress on the floor and I looked out the windows to the streets below. We were having a bit of an impromtu party with people we had never met, they just migrated up from the bar downstairs after closing time. She has sang it at our favorite small town bar about one thousand times. The bar itself has had its own change of view, being destroyed by a tornado and rebuilt, bigger and better. I have watched countless sunsets over the creek water while she's played it. I've heard her sing in drunk as a skunk and as sober as a baptist. I realized that this move may not make my life better, it is a possibility it will make it worse, somehow. I realized that it is more than likely that my life will stay the same, but there will be one big difference. The view will change, the scenery will be better. I will still fight with my stubborn husband. My step children will still do stupid things and drive me crazy. My parents will still come and visit. I will still get bored with the job I have. Chesa and I will still disagree, at times. But the scenery will change. When it all gets to be too much for me and I need a quiet place to think, I will no longer be looking at the field across from my front porch. I will be looking at ocean and gulf water. I will no longer watch the maple tree sway in the breeze to calm me, I will see palm trees and bouginvilla. I will still have late night conversations on the phone with my sister, but instead of doing it while cooking chicken fried steak with white gravy, I'll be yapping while grilling fish with mango sauce. My Mother will still call me on Sunday mornings, but instead of listening to her complaints for the week while seeing tree tops from my bedroom window, I will be on my balcony overlooking the pool. My change of views almost always inspire a change in me. When I moved her, I became more nervous, less sure of myself and my abilities. When I moved to Arkansas I became more flirty. I evolve, I suppose. It is said down there by the locals that everybody that moves there is running away from something. I wonder what I am running away from, my inlaws? my business? the law? (just kidding). Maybe I'm just running for the excercise. I'm just happy because my Mother is finally over her shock and actually trying to make a concentrated effort to understand why I'm leaving here. I will no longer worry about tornados, but I will worry about the hurricane report that is coming out today! What is the likeliness of a hurricane hitting a two mile by four mile island? (Not just knocking on wood over that one, but furiously pounding on the wooden door next to me!) My excitement is building, my impatience is growing and I will have new worries, but I can't wait to see the views from not only a new balcony, but a new mindset.

if you choose to do great things...go to page 5

It finally seems as though the warm weather is here to stay. With tops off the jeeps, and coolers continually full of cold beverages, a bit of sanity is back in our world. Well, to an extent. There's still the whole moving adventure we're in, packing and purging, planning and just taking one day at a time. In the midst of all this, Julia's family is in town. She's playing hostess, party planner, packer, wife, business owner, and just Julia all at one time. WHEW! Between putting in new floors, painting walls, cleaning house for her guest, getting clean sheets out....I'm hoping she'll blog soon, but it might be one of those things to wait on.
life for Chesa? pretty much unorganization and packing tape. It's beginning to all sink in. A little delay? Maybe, but the thought that we could be gone in about 30 days has taken some time to get a grip on. Summer O' Fun, you bet your ass it will be. The amount of things to get done seem to grow daily! But then there are moments, especially when I'm with my Cowboy Man, that I realize this may be the last time we do certain things: make out on the couch, or lay in bed and laugh and talk. My excitement is bittersweet, some days more bitter than sweet, but luckily the overwhelming hope of the situation wins out today. T-Bone said it well, "trading up helps ease the pain of losing the familiar". It's like our very own "Choose your own adventure" book from 6th grade...thus the title of this post.....
My belly is growling this morning, and I wish I had a fruit stand near by to grab breakfast at....oh wait, I will soon.

there are so many things I want to blog about today, but I can't seem to get my thoughts in order, and under control. My whole brain is swarmed with things to get done, things not to miss, things I want to cherish before we go, things to get rid of, things to get together, getting excited about leaving, being a little sad about about leaving, trying to grasp how soon we could be there, and all the while, trying to pack, work, and stay sane....we'll see how it goes

A List!!!

It has occurred to me that it has been ages since we have compiled a list of anything! Shame on us. So, since this is the official Chesa and Julia Summer O' Fun, here are a few things we are gathering to fully enjoy our last summer in Missouri.....

1. Miller Lite
2. A moving van
3. Good sturdy boxes
4. Anti - country music
5. Jeep decorations
6. Hula skirts - just in case
7. Cute boys - for innocent flirting only, of course ;)
8. Fashion and Decorating Magazines.
9. Paint chips
10. Want ads from Key West
11. Sleeping bags and tents for our farewell camping trip
12. Vacation Days
13. Money
14. Flip flops
15. Sunglasses
16. SPF 30 Coppertone Sport sunscreen in handy travel size that hangs off of my jeep mirror.
17. Bronzing make-up
18. Sun Hats
19. Late night conversations that will get even longer in the coming weeks.
20. New dreams and ambitions

If you would like to contribute to any of these, by all means, let us know!

I don't care.

Even if I have to wear my ski jacket and my long underwear, I'm taking the top off of the jeep today. The heater can be running just as strong as the music, if need be.

Explanation.

Some questions arose in our inbox and I figured if one person wondered, then the other person that reads our blog might wonder too. Chesa started an explanation of a few things on her last post, but I would like to expand. I'll warn you now, this is going to be a REALLY long one so go get yourself a gallon of wine, a pack a smokes and settle in.

I'll start with how Chesa and I met and became best friends. The night I met Chesa was the first time I had been out without hubby in about a year. When I moved here from Wisconsin I had a very hard time finding a job and an even harder time making friends with people that I had nothing in common with. The company I worked for employed mostly women, one of which I reluctantly became friends with. The girls decided to have a poker night and for some odd reason, they invited me. Chesa happened to be friends with one of the girls and was working at a near by radio station. She showed up later that night, after she got off the air, in overalls, a tank top and large hair. I hated her on site. No, really I did. She was loud, and bold and the center of attention. Nope, didn't like her. I really didn't think that I would ever see her again, but I ended up becoming a good friend to the girl that she was friendly with. Everywhere I ended up going with this third party, there Chesa would be. We finally got stuck alone with each other. The three of us had made plans to go out dancing and our third party ended up canceling at the last minute on us. (That is a whole other story.) Anyways, we drove about an hour, alone, barely speaking. Once we got to the club, we drank HEAVILY and loosened up quite a bit. Chesa talked me into going to breakfast with one of the guys she was flirting with and I remember the moment we bonded. She was seriously considering hooking up with this guy and he was sooooo NOT even close to good enough for her. So, when he went to the restroom, I told her so. We left him to pick up the check and giggled our way home. That is the night that Chesa and I started talking and we haven't stopped yet. Once you learn about Chesa and get to know her, you fall in love with her. She is AMAZING!!! She has lived through hell and come out smelling like roses. We talked on and off for a few months and then all of the sudden we talked daily. I just felt like I had a lot to learn about this person. We are alike in so many ways, but different in just as many. We have known each other for over three years, all together we have lived together for at least a year of that. Our bond to each other became unbreakable after Chesa helped me get through the hardest time of my life. I went through a crisis that nearly broke me and everytime I turned around she was there to lean on. Chesa knows more about me then anyone in the world. More than my family, more than my husband, more than any friend I've ever had and not once has she judged me for any of it. She knows my fears, my weaknesses and my worries. She inspired me to change myself, still does. She is so much more then the term 'best friend' can describe.

Now then, next question. How did we come upon the decision to move 1800 miles? When hubby and I decided that we wanted/needed to leave Wisconsin our original plan was to move to Florida. Unfortunately his ex-wife put a kabosh on that, so we compromised to Missouri where hubby and ex-wife are from and both still have family. Chesa moved here with her family while she was high school age and has escaped a few times, back to Texas, into Arkansas and Oklahoma. Last year she filed income tax in three states. The point is, all three of us understand that there is a hell of a lot more in this world then the walls of Missouri. Now, Missouri has given me some GREAT things, so I don't regret moving here, but I'm so tired of it I can't see straight. Now that the step kiddies are grown and ex-wife no longer has legal ties to us, hubby and I can go where ever the hell we want. He actually has a job he really likes and is extremely good at. At the same time Chesa's quality of life and entertainment has been deterierating for awhile now and back in February she came to the decision that she needed to get outta here. Hubby and I were coming to the same conclusion. About six weeks ago, hubby went to his boss and inquired about working outside of Missouri and boss man said as long as your numbers don't slip you can work from Antarctica if you want. Well, that pretty much sealed the deal, we have nothing left holding us here. I can't tell you the exact moment the decision was reached, I think it is something that has been growing in all of our heads for over a year. I suppose one day somebody said it out loud, let the cat out of the bag and we all agreed. Originally Chesa was thinking about going back to Texas, but after hubby and I have begged, guilt-tripped and connived she finally said OK, I'll go to Florida. YIPPEEEE!!!!! A plan has been forming and we are making it happen. Now that we are looking around without the rose colored glasses that we put on to make it through the day we realize that this place seriously sucks and we are finished with it. I realize that most of you that read this have never lived in a southern/Midwestern town and do not or can not fully understand the level of white trash that is reached around here. I look back now and I don't understand how we managed to deal with it for this long. You know all of those bad B movies you have seen about living in the country and all the redneck jokes? The ones about guys driving down the road with confederate flags and gun racks in the back windows? I know you think its all just an exaggeration. I have news for you, it's NOT!!! I see people everyday with no teeth, a wad of chew tobacco in their gums. I see men with no shirts wearing overalls that they cannot button on the sides because they are too fat! I drive through this town and I swear I hear the Deliverance theme play in my head! You know all those jokes about farmers fucking barn yard animals? Uh, I guarantee it happens here. If you see a goat farm while driving down the road (and you see plenty) you KNOW those goats are getting dicked. I'm not kidding. Laugh, I do, but I'm not kidding. Having an intelligent conversation with someone around here is impossible. You would be better off talking to a wall. If it weren't for the internet, we would not have survived this long.

All three of us have sold all but our most important belongings, picked up and moved. It is one of the things that all three of us have in common. This is not new, the place we are going is. I suppose we all have a dose of wanderlust in us. This time is going to be different because we have each other to lean on when it gets tough and it always gets tough. All three of us have lived in a new town, alone, not knowing a soul, sitting in an apartment and feeling very alone. This time we have a new town to conquer together, I think it's going to make it that much sweeter. Chesa and hubby and I have turned this town upside down a few times. Chesa and I turned half of Arkansas on it's side. Hell, Chesa has taken over more towns than I can even count.

The last question, will the blog be alive when we move? Yes, absolutely. We might even have something interesting to blog about! I look forward to writing about the new people we meet, the places we see and discover. So, raise your glass of wine and toast with me, To new adventures. *clink* - gulp....ahhhh

here's some more thoughts on our new adventure as written in a recent email:
these are times when ice tea on the veranda is such a good idea. Time to talk, and gossip, and catch up. If i had time to explain the current "hillbilly USA" that we live in now, it perhaps wouldn't be hard to understand our restlessness to be rid of this place. Small town life has it's advantages, and only folks that have lived in a small town can understand sometimes. It probably seems very back woods to not lock doors, or have your groceries carried to your car, or be able to sit on the square in town and drink beer while flirting with the cops, and perhaps it is. But there's comfort in knowing your neighbor, your neighbors mom, and having your neighbor's dad buy you a beer at the local tavern. Small towns, however, are pretty reluctant to change. Julia owns a business in town, and while it's extremely charming, and classy, there are those who won't shop there because she's not from here. That's just ridiculous! Myself, I have been in radio broadcasting for years, almost 10 years now, and I find myself suddenly without my fabulous red cape of creativity, because there is no radio station around here. We're like ducks out of water without people our age, or just a place to have a beer that not everyone asks how your boyfriends parents are. Julia's husband and I are musically active as well, playing and singing, and it's hard to find other talented people to play with in this area. A song called "I bang my head against the wall" comes to mind.
I'm just glad that Julia and I are brave enough to see that our lives are due for change, and we're happy to meet it head on!

Joe makes a good point, and if cocktail hour weren't looming ever so near, we'd visit more about it. Perhaps tomorrow....

Moving on up

I was actually in a good mood on the drive to work today. I had the windows down and the heater blasting along with some fantastic blues music. I focused on the blue sky, the only landscape that will not change by moving 1800 miles away from here. I will be able to see that same beautiful sky from my new home, but it will be accented by water, beaches, tropical foliage and people I don't know.

It's getting harder by the day to find happiness here. The next week and half I have approximatly 9,000 things to do, not the least of which is to get my house on the market. You have to understand that I love to paint and decorate, but my tastes are what some might refer to as eccletic. I have four different colors of stripes painted on the walls of one of my bathrooms. I had navy blue walls in my family room with free form, multi colored, layered squares over the blue. I'm currently repainting the family room a soft, buttery yellow and redesigning the entire house into plain, boring, so not me decorum. It depresses me just a little bit to let go of my work, to paint over it and erase it. It is not a canvas, I can't take it with me. When I get one of these ideas and start putting it on the walls my family tells me I'm nuts and says it looks weird, but when I start covering it up they complain that they will miss the squares. I guess my art needs time to grow people. The only thing that lifts my spirits is thinking about the new ideas for paint in the new house. Even if I don't have the actual house picked out yet, I'm working on the walls in my mind. I love that feeling of new ispiration, to try to reflect things I find beautiful and put it on a wall in an abstract way.

The sun shines again this morning, and while it's colder than a well digger's ass in MAY, you take what you can get, I guess. I just think there's such great Jeep time being wasted in this cold weather. To keep from going crazy about it, I keep thinking about warm breezes, new adventures, and life far away from the cold. It doesn't seem so bad. Julia's busy repainting the house to sell soon, and we're both beginning to pack and purge, as I call it, going through all our shit, and throwing most of it away. Just getting the little things done reminds me that when it seems the white trashness of this place will absolutely suffocate me, that we're paving the road to a new life, a new place, and most of all new people. It's back to work today, and while most of the time, that thought makes me groan inside, I can handle it today. I have a secret, and it's about a new venture with my best friend, and hopefully some drag queens we befriend along the way!
toodles

sunshine
WHEW, we were grumpy last week. Mostly because we hadn't seen the sunshine at all, and it's still quiet cool for this time of year. Usually, we're at our peek Jeep time, enjoying the warm afternoons, and the cool evenings and even some creek time. But nooooo, it has to be a high of 50 today. At least the sun is shining, and that makes for much happier moods. Cowboy man and I had some real "come to Jesus meetin'" time this weekend ( to quote Grandad) After the smoke cleared, we were both still alive, crying, but ok. We both have accepted the fact that I'm leaving. We've admitted it anyway. It's strange to be ok with the fact that it's not forever, to accept that there is a time limit on this trip, and the clock is winding down. Maybe I've had enough time to think about it, that I'm accustomed to idea. Maybe the fact that he's ok with it too, only affirms my fears that I knew it before we said it outloud.
These are the times that I wish I had some open air in a Jeep to clear my head. I may have to dig out a jacket to accommodate, but we'll see if the temperatures can play along!
happy monday