There's really nothing more entertaining for me right now then reading the past posts on THE ROAD. It makes me laugh, and I remember when I was funny. It also reminds me that when things look bad, there's something good going to happen. I remember all the tough times over the last year, and there have been some doozies....but things got better, and there were small blessings along the way to encourage me. Thus is the case of this past weekend. From mudding in the Jeep, getting wild and crazy with the girls, and sneaking into the public pool (note the aliases and word of the week!) there seems to be some light at the end of this discouraging tunnel.
It will be ok

Happiness - sort of

My very best friend in the whole wide world isn't happy. I know she isn't. As you can see from the post below, she is confused. And this is the one time I cannot tell her what to do (not that she would necessarily take my advice anyway - and that is OK). At least if I could tell her what to do I would have a 50% chance of being right. I would at least have an opinion. I could at least try to convince her one way or the other. I could at least show her the bright side that I see. I want her to come home. I want to say, whatever it takes, we will do it, just come home. I can't say that! AGH!!!!! What if she does come home, and she doesn't find a job here. What then? She already did that. The results were not pretty. So, what should I say? Stay there? FUCK NO!!! What if one of these days she decides she likes it there? Then what? No more Chesa? maybe. I guess I just really want her to be happy. But I don't think either of know how that is going to happen. There is only one way Chesa is going to be happy. And that is if she is working towards her dream. Best guess on Chesa's dream - living a permanent life, working on a cute farmhouse, growing a garden, and not rich, but not working 90 hrs a week and still not making her bills. She can work a crap job (just like i can) if it is getting it towards her dream, if she can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Where the hell is the light?????? I don't know, and I don't know how to find it. It is EXTREMELY frustrating, I'm sure even more so for her. So, Chesa I'm sorry I don't have better advice, I'm sorry I'm failing you on this one. You are proving that you are stronger than even I thought you cabable of. And that is saying a ton.

I should know by now not to blog at the end of a hard day; it usually means I'll read through it the next day, and regret venting about everything that bothers me. However, that is why this secret blog was created, to give Julia and I a chance to talk, unabridged, and uncensored by those that know as in only a singular role, girlfriend, or wife, or co worker, or friend. This is to lay out who was are as people, all the layers, complications, and screwed-up thought processes.
Disclaimer issued, I am back at a familiar spot in my life. I am frustrated. I am once again at a point that I must choose what I want, and what I must do. I'm in OKC, looking for work, because there is no work in the little town I've been in for the last 6 months, nor is there substancial work in a 50 mile radius, unless I want to be a housekeeper for a hotel, which I do not. I'm sure it's a respectable position, just not one that I want. So, I leave the little quiet town, to find work in the city, hours away from my Cowboy Man, and my dear friends. Ok, so I'm the brave one AGAIN, I work without a net AGAIN, and I lay awake at night and hope that I'm not wasting precious summer days stuck in traffic instead of fishing at the creek. There are people in my life that do not understand what that is like, to jump out on a limb, with no guartantee that it will work, and know that there is no one there that will pay the bills if it doesn't turn out favorable.
So I feel like I'm buring my dream of living in a quiet country house, with big windows and fresh herbs growing in the kitchen because I don't want to be THAT girl that waits around till it happens. Is that the reason I'm suddenly on the verge of tears, because a little part of my heart is breaking? I should be happy, I've got job offers that are offered to those people who have been married to their careers, who have put years of work into something, and are good at it. I don't trust fate, to an extent, though being a Pieces, I live in a dream world from time to time. But the question is, so I trust myself to make a decision I can live with, and give up the things I wonder whether I can live without....
all this talking in circles...I'm going to bed