I should know by now not to blog at the end of a hard day; it usually means I'll read through it the next day, and regret venting about everything that bothers me. However, that is why this secret blog was created, to give Julia and I a chance to talk, unabridged, and uncensored by those that know as in only a singular role, girlfriend, or wife, or co worker, or friend. This is to lay out who was are as people, all the layers, complications, and screwed-up thought processes.
Disclaimer issued, I am back at a familiar spot in my life. I am frustrated. I am once again at a point that I must choose what I want, and what I must do. I'm in OKC, looking for work, because there is no work in the little town I've been in for the last 6 months, nor is there substancial work in a 50 mile radius, unless I want to be a housekeeper for a hotel, which I do not. I'm sure it's a respectable position, just not one that I want. So, I leave the little quiet town, to find work in the city, hours away from my Cowboy Man, and my dear friends. Ok, so I'm the brave one AGAIN, I work without a net AGAIN, and I lay awake at night and hope that I'm not wasting precious summer days stuck in traffic instead of fishing at the creek. There are people in my life that do not understand what that is like, to jump out on a limb, with no guartantee that it will work, and know that there is no one there that will pay the bills if it doesn't turn out favorable.
So I feel like I'm buring my dream of living in a quiet country house, with big windows and fresh herbs growing in the kitchen because I don't want to be THAT girl that waits around till it happens. Is that the reason I'm suddenly on the verge of tears, because a little part of my heart is breaking? I should be happy, I've got job offers that are offered to those people who have been married to their careers, who have put years of work into something, and are good at it. I don't trust fate, to an extent, though being a Pieces, I live in a dream world from time to time. But the question is, so I trust myself to make a decision I can live with, and give up the things I wonder whether I can live without....
all this talking in circles...I'm going to bed